GEORGE CLOONEY & ABRAHAM LINCOLN: THE GREAT EMANCIPATORS

What could Gorgeous George and Honest Abe possibly have in common?

A whole lot, it seems.

These two native Kentuckians are magnificent oxymorons with a shared passion for the ladies AND for saving Africans from slavery and extinction.

Through field trips to Africa and by dazzling Congress with his star power, George is hoping to save millions of Sudanese in the Darfur region from sexual slavery and genocide by the Arab militia. This superstar is more than just a pretty face.

After serving as a wartime President during the bloodiest conflict on this nation’s soil, Lincoln emerged as the most reviled and most beloved leader ever. No one ever thought that the outcome of the Civil War would lead to abolishing slavery. Lincoln courageously put forth the Emancipation Proclamation and freed millions from slavery.

This superstar didn’t rely on his good looks. Lincoln had a face that scared trick or treaters. When accused of being two-faced by a senator, the seasoned politician wisecracked: “If I was two-faced, do you think I’d wear this one?” He was THAT secure.

George and Abe laugh at themselves before anyone else can. Both were blessed with cojones, and a certain irreverence for public derision. That’s the stuff from which legends are made.

Clooney’s a guy who can bed any gorgeous girl in the universe, yet lives with a 250-lb. pig. He’s THAT secure.

Actually the pig is his longtime pet. The committed bachelor breaks the hearts of legions of bodacious babes on a daily basis.

Homely Abe was always the ladies’ man before he settled down with Mary Todd, an emotional, sensuous bipolar babe from the Southern ruling class. As the Civil War raged, President Lincoln never paid any mind to the hate-spewing constituents who called his shopaholic wife & her Kentucky family: “The Confederate spies in the White House”. He was THAT secure.

George Clooney doesn’t pussyfoot around with political correctness either. When asked the soul-defining question: “Paper or plastic?”, he replied: “Do you want the truth or the politically correct version? The truth is I go plastic, it’s so much easier. And I like to put bags over my head at night when I sleep, which I think all kids at home should try. Kidding!!” He is THAT secure.

Lincoln admired Walt Whitman, the gay poet who had a major crush on him. The Commander-in-Chief loved the virile bard’s “Leaves of Grass” and had a deep admiration for this patriot. He was THAT secure.

The former rail-splitter and prairie lawyer also had the guts to defy 19th century convention. He had passionate, hot premarital sex with Mary and then married her. He was THAT secure.

For years, he slept in the same bed with his male law partner to save expenses during their time riding the country circuit. He was THAT secure.

Lincoln and George even have the acting profession in common.

After all, it was a famous actor who shot Lincoln at Ford’s Theater. John Wilkes Booth then leapt onto the stage and hammed it up one last time, shouting: “Sic semper tyrannis!” Death to the tyrant! The audience thought this high drama was part of the performance.

John Wilkes Booth admonition: “Beware of actors. They are to be seen, not to be known,” can NEVER be true of George. Unlike the scene-stealing Booth, George Clooney is an actor who has become an artistic and political force for good in the world.

The former tobacco picker, who also sold insurance door-to-door and acted as a driver for his aunt, famed ‘50s singer Rosemary Clooney, and who holds the record for failed sitcom pilots, proudly proclaimed at the Academy Awards:

“We (Hollywood) are the ones who talked about AIDS when it was just being whispered, and we talked about civil rights when it wasn’t really popular. This Academy gave Hattie McDaniel an Oscar in 1939 when blacks were still sitting in the backs of theaters. I’m proud to be part of this community.”

Their Kentucky roots gave both George and Lincoln a blue-collar work ethic and empathy that lasts a lifetime. They both faced rejection and adversity and instead of growing bitter, their humanity expanded.

Both found out first hand the wisdom in the blind and deaf Helen Keller’s advice:

“Persistence spells success.”

(c)2006, Sistarrs International

COURTNEY, WINONA, RIVER & ROBERT DOWNEY, JR.: "THEIR HIPPIE PARENTS SMOKED THEM"

Courtney Love, the rock widow from Spaceland. Winona Ryder, the adorable thespian kleptomaniac with a nasty prescription pill problem. River Phoenix, the shy vegan who loved PETA and heroin. Robert Downey, Jr., the junkie acting genius who chose state prison over Malibu.

What do they all have in common?

Hippie parents who screwed up their kids with their trip.

Brought up in hippie communes in Oregon, COURTNEY’s father allegedly gave her LSD when she was 4. Her mother then chose four awful husbands. No wonder a pissed off, acting out Courtney spent much of her adolescence in juvenile jails. She used a trust fund from her grandmother to run away to Europe and Asia as a teen. She began collecting rocker boyfriends and stripping in sleazy clubs. And thus commenced her drug addled trip through life and dicey behavior. An excellent, but not famous musician, she soared to Yoko Ono status when she married Kurt Cobain. She displayed her maternal instincts and level of judgment by continuing to shoot up heroin in the early months of her pregnancy.

WINONA’s parents were communal hippies and she grew up on a commune in Northern California, the goddaughter of LSD guru Timothy Leary. The ex-Harvard professor sounded the charge for the emerging drug culture: “Turn on, tune in, drop out.” One can only imagine the drug trips taken in the dirt poor commune. Winona lived on the isolated, rural property with no electricity or TV or a flush toilet. They say poverty leaves an indelible scar on the soul. No amount of money and fame can erase that insecurity. This might explain Winona’s shoplifting binge at Saks Fifth Avenue in Beverly Hills. Her counter-culture icon godfather might explain the 37 prescriptions filled by 20 doctors, with Winona using 6 aliases, that were found in her purse by the arresting officers.

Courtney and Winona are best friends.

RIVER PHOENIX’s parents lived in hippie communes before joining the heinous Children of God cult. The missionary family lived in abject poverty, begging for money all across Latin America. River, his brother Joaquin and their other siblings sang and performed on street corners for food. The family were vegetarians, believing that eating animals was wrong. However, devouring children’s bodies and souls through a sexual initiation into the Children of God cult was not wrong. It was de rigueur. River said that he had intercourse at age 4. He continued sexual relations with other children until he was 10, when his parents left the cult to move to Hollywood. In his quest for an enlightened lifestyle, it is no mystery why River saw no paradox in eschewing meat and then injecting heroin.

The artsy fartsy, hippie parents of ROBERT DOWNEY, JR. didn’t do him any favors either. His underground director father gave Robert his first movie role at age 5 in his movie “Pound”. At age 7 dad gave him his first joint. Father & son reached a cannabis high together. How’s that for a heartwarming bonding experience? Dad later kicked a cocaine addiction, while Sean Penn kicked down Junior’s door to drag him onto a plane to a rehab clinic. If you look up “functioning addict” in the dictionary, you’ll probably see Robert Downey, Jr.’s picture. He maintained his stellar acting career, receiving an Oscar nomination for “Chaplin”, all the while dancing around the open grave of addiction. After countless court-ordered rehabs and many arrests for possession of heroin, crack, cocaine and marijuana, the judge finally decided on the ultimate Tough Love lesson. His Honor threw Junior’s ass into state prison. Even though Downey had three hit movies in theaters at the time, the inmates didn’t get the memo on star treatment and how to coddle a celebrity. They kicked Mr. Movie Star’s butt on the tier, in the yard and in the shower. He emerged from prison a year later, sober as a judge. NOT. He had yet another arrest months later. Recently, it appears he’s been zapped with real sobriety at long last. If forgiveness is the key to AA serenity, then it’s an odds on bet Robert Senior will be getting a mushy Father’s Day card this year.

Perhaps the hippest thing to do for your kids is to be an unhip parent.

(c)2006, Sistarrs International

ROSIE O’DONNELL & ELEANOR ROOSEVELT: FIRST GAY MOMS OF THE WORLD

FDR died in the arms of his mistress in Georgia while Eleanor smooched with her girlfriend in the White House.

By this time, a quarter century in politics had destroyed ALL of Eleanor’s five children. They suffered a triple whammy: failed multiple marriages, alcoholism and financial disasters. They blamed all their woes on her constant travel promoting the causes of civil rights and economic empowerment for the poor. Growing up, the kids felt abandoned by Eleanor for the causes and strangers she took to her bosom, something they NEVER experienced. It seems Eleanor could show love to the world, but not to her children.

The First Lady also had no problem sending some love to her lesbian paramour, AP reporter Lorena Hickok, who quit her job as White House correspondent to live in the White House with Eleanor. Before Lorena moved in, Eleanor sent her a mash note:

“My pictures are nearly all up and I have you in my sitting room where I can look at you most of my waking hours! I can’t kiss you so I kiss your picture good night and good morning… Most clearly I remember your eyes, with a kind of teasing smile in them, and the feeling of that soft spot just northeast of the corner of your mouth against my lips.”

The First Lady of the United States also shared a female lover with Marlene Dietrich: the globe trotting beauty Mercedes de Acosta. As Paula Froelich of “Page Six” would say: “You go, girls!”

Rosie O’Donnell is a polar opposite to Eleanor in her brand of parenting. Hollywood’s gay super mom is devoted to her kids first and foremost. Rosie gave up her movie career for a TV talk show to be close to and spend more time with her kids. The beloved star fearlessly and publicly married her love, Kelli Carpenter, in San Francisco. Shortly after, she quit her phenomenally successful talk show to be a full time parent to their 4 kids.

Rosie’s often said that, “Carol Brady was like a mother to me.” And her kids just might really turn out as happy and loved as the fictional Brady Bunch.

Eleanor Roosevelt never quite achieved this level of motherhood. But she did have a rough start in life. But so did Rosie, who didn’t have Teddy Roosevelt as an uncle nor a trust fund like Eleanor.

Rosie & Eleanor lost their mothers by the ages of 10 and 8 respectively. Both had emotionally distant dads. Eleanor’s father was a hopeless alcoholic who got committed to a mental institution and died there before her 10th birthday. Uncle Teddy, her father’s brother, loved her dearly but that didn’t save her from an unhappy and insecure childhood.

Rosie used the TV as a substitute mom. Eleanor looked to her teacher at an English boarding school for maternal interest. The young instructor gave her that and much more: an abiding interest in liberal causes and social justice. Lincoln once observed that, “Suffering examined can lead to great compassion.”

Eleanor & Rosie share a passion for civil rights, charity for all, and occasional bouts with depression. Dark clouds often plague those who lose a parent much too young. The empty space in one’s broken heart is never filled.

But these two certainly know that GIVING is love multiplied.

The patrician Eleanor did volunteer work with young immigrants, exposed harsh working conditions endured by women and children and tirelessly worked for civil rights for black Americans.

When Marian Anderson, the famed black opera singer got banned from performing in Constitution Hall, owned by the Daughters of the American Revolution (DAR), because of her color, an indignant Eleanor swung into action. She quit the snobby, old establishment DAR, and arranged for the great diva to sing on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial to a live audience of 70,000 and millions of radio listeners nationwide.

In her post White House years, she worked for the UN and fought long and hard to secure dignity and justice for all. Dubbed the First Lady of the World by Harry Truman, she earned the honor for her tireless travel to insure human rights in every corner of the world.

When she died in 1962 at age 78, she had attained secular sainthood. A commemorative cartoon simply showed two angels looking towards an opening in the clouds with the caption: “She’s here!”

Rosie’s no slouch either in her peripatetic social activism. She’s a fearless advocate of gay adoption. She “came out” about her sexuality to Diane Sawyer on “Primetime” solely to overturn negative feelings and state laws barring gays from adopting unwanted kids.

Marilyn Monroe might still be alive if she was brought up by two loving, encouraging gay adoptive parents instead of the heterosexual foster parents who abused her mentally, physically and sexually. They doomed her to a sad, self-destructive life.

“Gay” family values came through brilliantly on the recent HBO special: “Rosie O’Donnell’s Gay Family Cruise”. Love and encouragement and kindness are the ONLY FAMILY VALUES needed by kids. And no one should get an easy pass based on sexual orientation. It takes more than that!!

An interesting footnote on the gay cruise: the gay families totaled 1,500 people and then there were two straight, fat women. The chubby gals took the cruise so that, “We could wear our bathing suits and go in the pool in a judgment-free environment.” For shame, America.

Rosie’s charitable foundation For All Kids has raised $50 million to help kids and their families. She led the Million Mother March on the Capitol to draw attention to the need for gun control in America.

She took on the rich and powerful publishing world, and got herself in a heated battle to get out of “Rosie Magazine” because it didn’t reflect her values. After being threatened with financial ruin and standing her ground, it ended in a legal draw. She won.

When she finds the time, she takes on celebrities for their boorish behavior and penny-pinching ways. Like not opening their wall safes for a worthy charity like the 9/ll Relief Fund.

She’s never guilty of boring us for a second. We can’t wait to see and hear her in a new venue, Barbara Walter’s venerable TV talk show, “The View”.

Rosie, we’re with you a thousand percent in your fight for social justice. Now just go out there and cream Star Jones whenever you can!

(c)2006, Sistarrs International

AUDREY HEPBURN AND MARILYN MONROE: LOOKING FOR LOVE IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES

News flash!! Most young girls across America say Marilyn Monroe is their all-time hero. Elegant Audrey Hepburn comes in a distant second in the Screen Goddess Sweepstakes. We demand a recount. Let's take a closer look at both actresses.

Marilyn Monroe's horrendous beginning PARALYZED her right up to the end of her life. During her childhood, Marilyn endured the tyranny of her mother's mental illness. Unloved. Shuffled to many abusive foster homes. Stripped of her dignity and any shred of safety.

She dreamed of a fame that would bring her the love of millions. She got it, but it was no fairytale.

Gossip columnist Walter Winchell once wrote: "Hollywood is a place where they put you under contract instead of under observation." Well, that wasn't true for Marilyn.

Marilyn freely admitted she did the "Monica Lewinsky" for years with agents, producers, studio moguls and a cast of thousands, before landing a coveted studio contract. Finally, she signed with 20th Century Fox and wearily declared: "That's the last time I'll ever be on my knees!"

She got her studio contract AND was placed under observation many times, in many psychiatric clinics. An alphabet soup of mental maladies plagued her. Depression. Suicidal tendencies. Alcoholism. Drug addiction. Sex addiction. Instead of a handshake, a simple thank you, or a kiss on the cheek, Marilyn had sex with you.

As a fully grown sex symbol, Marilyn Monroe inflicted the tyranny of her mental illness on co-stars and directors. Her insecurities, fueled by sleeping pills and booze, led to hopeless depression and legendary bad behavior. Lateness to the set or a no-show. Flubbed lines. Millions of studio dollars lost.

The movies made her a celluloid idol, but left many battlefield casualties. Cast and crew always suffered from Marilyn fatigue in all its ugly incarnations.

Poor Marilyn. The star didn't even live like a movie queen. Her personal hygiene was woefully lacking. She rarely bathed. She never owned a home until months before her death at age 36. The screen goddess apparently washed down dozens of sleeping pills with a magnum of champagne. Found disheveled and nude in the middle of her bedroom floor on a bare mattress, the room was a squalid mess.

No one who personally knew Marilyn registered surprise at her early demise.

Marilyn Monroe's last words were to an actor friend, Peter Lawford: "Please say goodbye to...", aka a serial cheater, married lover who dumped her months before and passed her on to his brother. The lover happened to be the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. Thus began speculation that she was murdered with Nembutal suppositories to silence any blabbing to the press.

Sadly, it seems Marilyn's magic was only on the screen.

While Marilyn's bleak childhood paralyzed her, Audrey Hepburn's early tragedies GALVANIZED her, and she grew up to become an extraordinary human being.

Audrey sprinkled her magic everywhere, everyday of her life. Everyone always fell in love with her and admired her forever.

Audrey Hepburn came of age during the bloody Nazi occupation of Holland. Stripped of its dignity and any shred of safety, her homeland sank into despair. Though born to a Dutch baroness, Audrey's family suffered the same fate as the commoners.

While a Jewish teenager named Anne Frank hid in an Amsterdam attic writing the dairy that would one day inspire the world, 15-year old Audrey joined the Dutch Resistance.

She carried secret messages in her ballet slippers, knowing that if caught, the Nazis would shoot her. That took a lot of guts, especially since the Gestapo executed her two favorite uncles months before for similar heroics.

Food became a distant memory for Audrey. Forced starvation, not anorexia, made the future fashion original skeletal. The young girl stayed alive by eating tulip bulbs. Her metabolism changed, stomach problems began and her weight remained at 110 pounds for the rest of her life.

Being born into the European aristocracy is not what gave Audrey Hepburn a fairytale life. Her banker father deserted the family. The warm and sensitive Audrey endured a cold and distant mother, who was now forced to take in work as a seamstress. Ironically, Marilyn's mother worked as a studio seamstress.

Even after Audrey's triumphs on the stage and in the movies, her shrewish mother told her: "Considering that you have no talent, it's really extraordinary where you've gotten."

Still, the saintly actress harbored no malice, ever. She took care of both parents until their deaths.

In a twist of fate, Audrey's most cherished role as Holly Golightly in "Breakfast at Tiffany's" was written by the book's author, Truman Capote, with Marilyn Monroe in mind for the film role.

But Audrey's easy charm and inimitable fashion sense, abetted by French designer Givenchy, won the day. The actress ended up with an Oscar nomination and also sang the Oscar-winning song, "Moon River". Today, "Breakfast at Tiffany's" is an icon in the vault of stylish cinema.

Audrey often said: "I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it." She fulfilled these needs with her sons, her circle of friends, and with those suffering all over the globe.

Twenty years before Angelina Jolie signed up with the United Nations, Audrey began her charity work with its UNICEF branch. She just had to pay back for the life-saving help she got from the Red Cross as a teen in war torn Europe.

Audrey Hepburn eased the suffering of countless children throughout Africa, Asia, and South America with her relentless perseverance and tireless UN relief trips.

"I'm glad I've got a name and I'm using it for all its worth. It's a bonus that my career gave me," she said right before leaving for her final trip in 1993 to famine-struck Somalia. She worked long and hard under grueling conditions to help save the African children and their families from certain extinction.

On her return home, doctors made a shocking discovery. Audrey had only three months left.

Her son Sean Ferrer recalled that, "Even on the day she died, her very last thoughts were with the children. She wanted to know if there were any messages about the children in Somalia. Mommy believed in love. She left us with peace."

Yes, we all will make the decision at some point in our lives to be paralyzed or galvanized by the dark shadows of our past. Choose to walk in the sunshine.

Be a hero, like Audrey Hepburn.

(c)2006, Sistarrs International

ELVIS & THE YOGI TAKE A MAGICAL, MYSTERY TOUR

Elvis’ favorite spot on earth was a spiritual oasis on Sunset Boulevard in notoriously shallow L.A. Founded over 50 years ago by the late Hindu holy man, Paramahansa Yogananda, all the world’s religions are enshrined in its natural setting. The Lake Shrine of the Self-Realization Fellowship is a magical, secret garden. A rainbow of humanity visits this outdoor cathedral to become one with Nature, one with each other, and one with God.

Elvis, a true seeker, was a devoted student of Yogananda’s teachings. Elvis often walked around the mirrored lake at the Shrine to the World Peace Memorial. He reverently kneeled at the stone sarcophagus containing a portion of the ashes of the martyred Gandhi. The founder of this New Age retreat was also Gandhi’s yoga teacher.

Elvis asked his friend who headed the Self-Realization Fellowship: “Why did God make me Elvis Presley?” She responded by giving him some ancient manuscripts, hinting that the answer to his question might be in them. The King of Rock ‘n Roll, like the great Mahatma, shook his soul awake through Kriya Yoga, a millenniums-old sacred spiritual science that emphasizes the underlying unity of all the world’s great religions.

“There must be world brotherhood if we are to be able to practice the true art of living,” the yogi wrote in his autobiography, one of Elvis’ favorite books.

Elvis loved everything New Age. Metaphysics. Numerology. Cosmology.

He was a great fan of the Russian born occultist, Madame Blavatsky, known as “The Mother of New Age.” Gandhi and Einstein were fans, as well.

Gandhi left his well-heeled secular lawyer’s life because of Blavatsky’s “The Key to Theosophy”. Gandhi credited the Jewish born sage with “disabusing me of the notion that Hinduism was rife with superstition. She showed me Hinduism at its best.” He kept her book nearby until his death by an assassin’s bullet.

Einstein fell in love with Blavatsky’s mind after reading “The Secret Doctrine” published in 1888. In this book, the Madame foresaw Einstein’s 1905 theory of relativity. She wrote of the infinite divisibility of the atom. She affirmed that the infinite vibratory motion of everything is a natural law of the universe. She also wrote that the moon was older than the earth. There were gaffaws heard ‘round the world on that one! Scientists were amazed when the astronauts who landed on the moon brought back rocks that were older than those on earth. Einstein kept a copy of “The Secret Doctrine” on his desk until the day he died.

Elvis named his gospel group “Voice” after being mesmerized by Blavatsky’s book “The Voice of Silence”, which contains the translation of ancient, secret Tibetan incantations.

The work of the long dead Jewish lady from Russia excited the Southern choirboy from the First Assembly of God Church so deeply that he sometimes read passages from it on stage. The audience’s reaction has never been disclosed. After Elvis’ heart stopped, “The Voice of Silence” remained opened on his nightstand.

Until the end of his days, Elvis had a strong belief in God. Elvis loved Jesus, yet was never baptized and never joined a church. He had a passion for gospel music and performed and recorded many gospel songs.

While filming Harum Scarum in Hollywood in the mid ‘60s, a disenchanted Elvis sought solace at the Lake Shrine retreat. Yogananda said that, “This shrine has been created for all religions, that all may feel the unity of common faith.” Elvis meditated daily for many years and followed the ecumenical approach to enlightenment.

Elvis’ spiritual beliefs were woven like an intricate, highly personal tapestry, culled from his voracious appetite to learn everything about Hinduism, Judaism, theosophy, positive thinking and Christianity. His reading on Judaism, inspired by his mother’s Jewish great grandmother, led to Elvis adding a Star of David to his mother’s headstone. He also wore a chai, the Jewish symbol for life, the last year of his life, along with a cross.

Elvis lamented: “I know some of the things I think are kind of far out… and I don’t meet a lot of people that I can relate to, and those that I do meet need to know more about their spiritual selves.”

The legendary Elvis knew that the Cosmic Golden Web we all tread on is far more intricate and powerful than anything we can imagine. Through the gossamer strands of light on this web, everything, everybody and every place since the beginning of time are interconnected.

“The world is a playground of God and a reflection of His glory,” exulted Gandhi.

If only Elvis could have frolicked in that playground unfettered by the fame and fortune that imprisoned him…

(c)2006, Sistarrs International
Excerpts from The 12 Spiritual Secrets of Beverly Hills”, ©1999, Randa & Patte Starr

CHER & HER BAGEL BOY AND ANNIE OAKLEY & HER SITTING BULL

The all-time biggest targets of tabloid trashing are perennially hot Cher AND legendary, long dead Annie Oakley.

Cher began as a singing duo with Sonny the year of President Kennedy’s assassination (1963) and Annie Oakley was born the year Lincoln was elected President (1860). Yet these two entertainers share the distinction of being the most admired and most maligned celebrities of their era.

Generous and driven workaholics, they never cared much for drinking, drugging, gambling or staying up late. But the tabloid press fastidiously ignored all that and clobbered them anyway.

Both of these superstars began life destitute, but determined to be stars. Fatherless at an early age, they were 15 years old when they met men 12 years older who married them and guided them to fame and fortune.

Proof positive that absentee dads are a powerful thing long after they’ve vanished.

For almost 20 years, Annie Oakley dazzled the world with her shotgun genius as the star of Buffalo Bill’s Wild West Show. The diminutive damsel took aim and the bullets whizzed fast and furious, ALWAYS hitting their targets. She nurtured a spotless reputation for decency and fairness. Annie was even adopted by her castmate, the infamous Sioux warrior Sitting Bull, who named her “Little Sure Shot”.

A shocked Annie Oakley awoke one day in 1903 to a screaming headline in two Hearst-owned Chicago newspapers that she was a thief, a cokehead and a jailbird. The story said she stole money from a black man to pay for a coke addiction that had aged her beyond her years.

Though the story was totally untrue, Hearst newspapers picked it up and ran the piece coast-to-coast. This was the modus operandi of William Randolph Hearst, the father of “yellow journalism”. The tabloid tycoon actually did the p.r. that launched the Spanish-American War just for personal power and wealth. Déjà vu all over again?!

For the next six years, Annie Oakley devoted herself to shooting down Hearst’s lies by filing 55 lawsuits against his newspapers across the country. “These terrible lies nearly killed me,” she lamented. Though she won all but one lawsuit, she lost much of her fortune on legal fees and her health suffered. BUT SHE FOUGHT THE TABLOIDS AND WON!

While an old Indian chief adopted Annie Oakley as a daughter, the part-Cherokee Cher chose to adopt a bevy of beautiful boys as her lovers. The tabloids ragged on her endlessly about this proclivity. The tabloid stinkers dubbed her favorite boy toy “The Bagel Boy” after they got wind of his former profession.

Word is that when Cher first eyed Bagel Boy’s chiseled features and sinewy, slim body, she gave her bodyguards orders to: “Undress him, bathe him, and bring him to my tent.”

The paparazzi pursued the two lovebirds until they forced the Bagel Boy out of Cher’s Holmby Hills nest. Tabloid love sure HURTS.

Judging from the scandal sheets, Cher’s major crime appears to be financing countless Beverly Hills plastic surgeons and their extended families. Let’s see, at last count the gossipmongers allege: removal of two ribs, chin implants, brow lifts, a nose job, neck tightening, breast & buttock implants, collagen injections into her lips, botoxed forehead, and tattoos in highly sensitive, obscene body cavities.

Hey, forget about the Oscar, the Grammy's and the Golden Globes awarded to her in a 40-year career. Cher should get a Purple Heart and the Medal of Honor for keeping up the morale of the country and the troops through at least four wars. Staying a full-fledged skinny sex symbol into your sixties really HURTS. And deserves props.

Cher got fed up in 1981 and sued STAR magazine for misuse of her image. She spent more on legal fees than the half million plus bucks she got in a settlement. BUT SHE FOUGHT THE TABLOIDS AND WON!

Still, Cher and many other stars are often spotted at newsstands shamelessly buying the tabloids. Proving what millions of ordinary folks know: Guilty pleasures are indestructible and live on. A million years from now after global warming and the dreaded nuclear winter, all that will survive are the cockroaches, the Star and the Enquirer.

(c)2006, Sistarrs International

MARILYN MONROE & ALBERT EINSTEIN: THEIR SECRET LOVE AFFAIR

"Here lies Marilyn Monroe --- 38-23-36". That's what Marilyn saw as her epitaph. She was a lot smarter than people thought. Forty-four years after her death, her vulnerable, gargantuan sexiness oozes beyond her Westwood crypt onto the American landscape and beyond.

The red hot website MySpace.com, boasts 75 million users. Most weren't born when Marilyn died. Yet there are countless Marilyn Monroe Tribute sites. Millions of young girls on MySpace list her as their hero.

Even our 16-year old Hare Krishna niece worships the 60's sexpot. She expressed one wish when she visited us in Malibu: "Can you take me to Marilyn Monroe's grave? She's my all-time idol!"

How can we explain the world's captivation with this depressed, mentally ill, drug addled, promiscuous, alcoholic actress who rarely bathed? Well, she did join the pantheon of stars who die young to live forever. That's ALWAYS a good career move in Hollywood.

Perhaps Einstein theorized the Marilyn Monroe phenomenon best:

"The gift of fantasy has meant more to me than my talent for absorbing positive knowledge. Imagination is more important than knowledge."

Yes, Marilyn captured Einstein's imagination and gonads. They lived together on Fantasy Island for awhile. The sex was hot between The Genius & The Sexpot of the 20th Century. He joined the legion of lovers who ignored her fatal flaws and their own humanity to bed a legend. Even Einstein autographed his photo: "To Marilyn, I am forever grateful!"

At a dinner party, Einstein and Marilyn sat next to each other. After a few flutes of champagne, she cooed in his attentive ear: "I want to have your child. With my looks and your brains, it will be a perfect child!"

Einstein replied: "But what if it has my looks and your brains?"

Marilyn Monroe had self-knowledge, but in the end lacked the tools to change things. That tormented her.

"Hollywood is a place where they'll pay you $1 million for a kiss and fifty cents for your soul," Marilyn wryly observed. "I often stood silently at parties for hours listening to my movie idols turn into dull and little people."

She had a football stadium of lovers, but not one real friend. The Hollywood Dream Machine, which demands impossible perfection, chewed her up and spit her out to an early grave.

Einstein knew the dark side of the dazzling illusion of fame. Marilyn Monroe should have heeded the advice Einstein gave her at that dinner party:

"Strive not to be a success, but rather to be of value."

(c) 2006, Sistarrs International

LINDSAY, WOODY, AND ELVIS: STARS & THEIR JAILBIRD DADS

For those of you who are enamored with bad boys AND celebrities, you've just won the trifecta!

Guess which celebrity's bad boy dad we're talkin' about?

A famous star's dad is a hitman for organized crime. Twice convicted of murder for hire, he was behind bars for most of the celebrity's childhood. Many law enforcement officials believe he was involved in the assassination of President John F. Kennedy. Daddy is currently serving two life sentences for the murder of a federal judge.

A Hollywood icon's socialite drunken, drug-addicted dad served four years in a federal prison for bilking investors out of millions of dollars. He routinely threatens to kill his entire family, including the star. In his down time, he punches out strangers, drives drunk and brags to fellow inmates in the slammer that his kid's a movie star. He's currently serving up to four years in the pen for assault, drunk driving and revocation of parole.

A singing legend's hillbilly dad was sentenced to three years in the state penitentiary for forgery, causing his wife and boy to become homeless. They borrowed bus fare to visit him in prison. This caused grave, life-long psychological problems for the boy when his mom made him the "man of the house" during his father's incarceration. That job description included sleeping in the same bed with mom, on his father's side. His daddy's criminal history and inability to hold a job once out of prison made the boy a target for bullies in school.

WOODY HARRELSON had a deeply religious mom and a convicted murderer dad. Charles Harrelson. Woody's often said that his father's past transformed his present.

The former "Cheers" star and Oscar nominee for best actor in "The People vs. Larry Flynt" is a tireless crusader for freedom from what he views as the government's tyranny over the "little guy". Woody's an outspoken proponent for legalization of marijuana and hemp AND an activist in the antiwar movement. Along with Pam Anderson, he's an ethical vegan who denounces animal experiments in the cosmetics industry and in medical labs.

Woody Harrelson is absolutely convinced of his father's innocence and has spent millions trying to get his father's murder conviction overturned. While wildly successful in Hollywood, Woody has repeatedly failed in the appeals courts. His father remains in a Texas maximum security prison.

LINDSAY LOHAN's career in show biz began at age three when she appeared in TV commercials (Toys 'R' Us). At seven she modeled for Calvin Klein and appeared in magazine ads. She cut her acting teeth at ten on a soap opera. By eleven she starred in Disney's remake of the 1961 classic, "The Parent Trap".

Unfortunately, her felon dad, Michael Lohan, missed most of these auspicious years as he was busy serving time in the federal pen for commodities fraud. It seems the heir to a pasta business bilked thousands of investors out of millions of dollars in a "pump and dump" scam.

Lindsay became a superstar in 2004 as the lead in "Mean Girls" and simultaneously a media target. The harsh spotlight focused on the teen star's prodigious nightlife: her battles with drugs, alcohol, fatigue, bulimia, and her parents' titanic battles in the marital and legal arenas.

Lindsay's recent asthma attacks, drug and booze episodes, dehydration and exhaustion, and all-night heavy partying, followed in the wake of daddy dearest's latest run-ins with the law. Who wouldn't be stressed out with a big-time Hollywood career, scathing threats from your current producer for bratty behavior AND an alcoholic, drug addict, rageaholic cad of a dad who's a loose cannon?!

The jailbird had the chutzpah to demand in a court proceeding, while handcuffed and in custody for other criminal offenses, drug and alcohol testing for Lindsay and her mother and $3 million from Lindsay's earnings. Luckily, the judge ruled against him.

But career criminal Michael Lohan is the gift that keeps on giving.

In the last year and a half he was arrested for skipping out on a hotel bill, hitting his brother-in-law on the head with a shoe and splitting open his head. It took fifteen stitches to close it. (This maternal uncle was later convicted of stealing over half a million dollars from the 9/11 Victims Fund. Oy vey, criminals in both sides of Lindsay's Family Tree. Uh-oh, not good for her future progeny.)

Malcontent Michael also punched out a sanitation worker for blocking his parking spot, and a few weeks later was charged with drunk driving when he caused a fiery wreck by ramming his car into a utility pole.

He recently got sentenced to up to four years in prison for his potpourri crime spree.

Lindsay's grandma echoed the sentiments of the entire family when she told the New York Daily News: "We're all much happier when he's in jail and not around. He is obsessive possessive to the point where he doesn't want anyone else being friendly with his wife and children."

Lindsay might have reason for yet another alibi to add to her growing resume of reasons why she has disrupted the shooting schedule of her latest movie, "Georgia Rule". Studio security just sounded an alarm. It has been confirmed that Lindsay Lohan has a stalker.

ELVIS PRESLEY's dad, Vernon, in reality, went to the penitentiary for the crime of being poor. He was convicted of forgery for altering a paycheck from $3 to $8, and then cashing it at the local bank. Community service, not prison, would be his sentence today as a first time offender. In 1938 Mississippi, land of the chain gang and murders of inmates by prison guards, Vernon got three years in prison.

Vernon's employer held the loan on the Presleys' two-room house and called the note in as soon as Elvis' dad got sent up the river. Remember Simon Lagree operated in Mississippi? Elvis' mother couldn't pay off the loan on her ten buck a week wages at the Tupelo Garment Company. Elvis and his mother were homeless.

He and his mom moved in with her parents, and at age three, Elvis became "the man of the house". Thus began Elvis' odd relationships with women. Mom and little Elvis traveled to visit his daddy in prison and returned exhausted. He took his father's place in bed with his mother for mutual comfort. They cuddled and talked together in their very own language. This lasted for eight months until Elvis' dad came home. And some say beyond. It was during his father's imprisonment that Elvis developed insomnia and started to sleepwalk. These sleep disorders would plague him throughout his life.

Until the day he died, Elvis cherished his mother way beyond the depth of a devoted son. His mother incestuously smothered and spoiled him 'til the end of her days. Elvis would enjoy sex with a woman until she became a mother. After that he just couldn't touch her. Now Dr. Freud would have a field day with that one.

Yes, having jailbird dads profoundly impacted the lives of Lindsay, Woody & Elvis. It seems the penal system produces more prisoners than just the convicted.

(c) 2006, Sistarrs International

JESSICA & ASHLEE AND GYPSY ROSE LEE: SIZZLING SISTERS AND STAGE PARENTS FROM HELL!!

There are two sister acts in show biz whose parents pushed them out on the circuit very early and who struggled well into adulthood to free themselves from filial suffocation. Their manager parents pimped them out to fame and fortune by sexualizing them and pocketing the money.

Jessica and Ashlee Simpson made the rounds in the 1990’s on the Christian Youth Conference circuit, strong armed by their dad, Pastor Joe.

Daddy dearest made Jessica pledge her virginity to her future husband during a ceremony at the tender age of 12. A few years later, he showed an unhealthy interest in his daughter’s breasts, as well as her sex life: “She’s got double D’s. You can’t cover those suckers up!” Thank God, Jesus loves you, Pastor Joe. We don’t!!

Jessica was discovered singing to the heavenly choir at a church camp. She signed with a Christian label and toured with gospel superstars CeCe Winans and Kirk Franklin before Tommy Mottola of Columbia Records signed her. In 1999, her first pop album, Sweet Kisses, sold 2 million copies.

Ashlee is the twinkle toes in the Simpson clan. She studied classical ballet at age 3 and went to New York City at 11 to continue her terpsichorean studies. She developed an eating disorder at this time and dropped to 70 lbs. on her 5’ 2” frame. Ashlee recovered in L.A. with her family and became a back-up dancer for Jessica after her sister’s first album hit.

Gypsy Rose Lee and her sister June Havoc had a loud mouth, dangerous mother named Mother Rose Hovick. She threw the girls out on the 1920’s vaudeville circuit when they were barely out of diapers to fulfill her unrealized show business aspirations and to pay the bills.

The singing and dancing star of the show, Baby June, ran off at 16 to marry a boy in the act, decimating the family’s finances. Mother Rose had him arrested. She showed up at the police station packing heat. In a murderous rage, she pulled the trigger, but luckily for the lad the safety feature was on. It’s safe to say the newlyweds honeymooned in Outer Mongolia.

Mommy dearest then forced the less talented Louise to become a stripper. Practically a child, the frightened girl’s immoral, borderline mother threw her out center stage to strip for faceless ogling men. The Jewish Mama Rose’s new meal ticket dutifully christened herself Gypsy Rose Lee and became the toast of Minsky’s Burlesque. Known as a “high class” stripper because she read intellectual books and wore opera length gloves when she stripped ever so slowly,
Gypsy became the toast of the Manhattan glitterati and wrote the bestselling mystery thriller, The G-String Murders.

Mama Rose was involved in a murder mystery herself. The two sisters, successful entertainers as adults, continued getting demands for money from their intimidating, lying, cheating mother.

Mama opened a lesbian boardinghouse and being as good a hostess as she was a mother, Mama Rose shot and killed one of her guests. According to Gypsy’s son, Erik Preminger, Mama killed her own lover after she made a pass at Gypsy. The “incident” was explained away as a suicide and the cops bought it!

Coming from a dysfunctional family, Gypsy aligned herself with her feared mother and never forgave her sister June for leading an independent life.
Gypsy and June were united, however, by their common belief that Mama Rose was a monstrous bitch who put her self-interests ahead of her children’s well-being.

Both felt free to write about Mama Rose only when she was dead and buried six feet under. Until then they feared lawsuits or an ambush. Gypsy wrote her memoir in 1957, which got made into the smash Broadway show and movie, Gypsy.

Gypsy Rose Lee died of cancer 12 years later with her mother’s last words echoing in her brain: “Wherever you go…I’ll be right there. When you get your own private kick in the ass, just remember: it’s a present from me to you.”
Ah, a mother’s love is mystical indeed.

And Pastor Joe’s debilitating, omnipresent interference as both manager and dad protecting his meal tickets…just how healthy is that? Being sexualized by dear old dad bragging about the size of your mammaries and how hot they look in a T-shirt is more than a tad weird. Being pathologically obsessed with your daughters’ sex lives and sex appeal to the masses doesn’t score too many points for Father of the Year.

Picture this folks, Pastor Joe produced Jessica’s reality TV show, Newlyweds, and followed his little girl and her future ex-husband, Nick Lachey, everywhere with a video camera, capturing every intimate detail of her life, right up to lovemaking in their bedroom. We know that art and commerce dissect in many x-rated worlds, but biblical pastoring, too?!

But a miracle seems to be at hand…

Jessica who couldn’t balance a checkbook at age 24 and never saw a supermarket scanner, now seems to asserting her independence from her randy pastor dad, with little sister Ashlee tagging close behind.

After turning his church choir daughters into worldwide sexual commodities, and
after praising the sexiness of Jessica’s body and boasting at an MTV production meeting that he helped fit her for her first bra, and after managing his daughters’ public and private lives with an iron fist, word comes down that the 48-year old former youth pastor can’t get his kids to give him the time of day. Insiders say that his controlling. obnoxious behavior has finally turned his girls against him.

“Back in the day, if Joe wanted Jess anywhere he’d just order her to come, but that clearly isn’t the case now,” reports an insider.

The sisters are taking the reins back from the man who helped make them rich.
Giddyap, girls…and don’t look back.

Jessica recently told her father, “Dad, I’m capable of making my own choices. If I need your opinion, I have all your numbers!”

And we have Pastor Joe’s number, too. Back off, buster…

ANGELINA JOLIE & KATE HEPBURN: HONESTY & LESBIAN FLINGS ARE SEXY

It’s high time we admit to our guilty pleasure: We absolutely LOVE Angelina. What’s more sexy than telling it like it is ALL the time? Maybe taxes and death are inevitable, but when we can rely on a goth girl, now disguised as a movie star, to ALWAYS tell the truth, it’s nirvana, divine and simple.

Yes, she once loved a woman so passionately that she would never dishonor that bond by denying it.

Yes, Jolie admits to pushing the boundaries with her lovers, “both emotional and sexual. That’s when I’ve felt the sexiest. I’ve been in both submissive and dominant roles because I want more.” And who hasn’t wanted more?”

Yes, she kissed her brother James before the Academy Awards ceremony, and cooed to the world as she accepted her Oscar: “I’m so in love with my brother right now!” Immediately tabloid headlines screamed incest. Sadly, she observed: “The world is a lot sicker than I thought,” recalling how children of traumatic divorce lean on each other for emotional support.

Yes, she’s never forgiven her father for cheating on his mother and breaking up the family. Jolie remembers seeing him at the Oscars with his girlfriend as she, her mother and brother sat in front of the TV with little to eat. She doesn’t talk to her dad because she feels “families are earned.” Now that’s revolutionary!

The Lara Croft actress steadfastly maintains that she refused to be intimate with Brad Pitt until his divorce because she vowed she would NEVER sleep with a married man. “To be intimate with a married man, when my own father cheated on my mother, is not something I could forgive. I could not look at myself in the morning if I did that. I wouldn’t be attracted to a man who would cheat on his wife,” she told NBC’s Ann Curry in 2005.

The Aniston-Pitt divorce was signed on August 19, 2005. Baby Shiloh Jolie-Pitt was born nine months later in Namibia

Now let’s look at the iconic Katherine Hepburn, revered for her strong-willed independence and for ALWAYS telling the truth, no matter what the consequence.
Well, that might have been the case early in her career when she lived openly in a lesbian liaison with Laura Harding, a Philadelphia Main Line socialite.

According to director George Cukor’s friend, the noted Hollywood historian Gavin Lambert: “George knew they were lovers. It was very clear to me that when he mentioned Laura he was talking about Hepburn’s lover, and that meant sexually.”

“She was still at that point, too different, too proud, and too uncompromising to sacrifice her freedom to the games of stardom,” observes William J. Mann in his new Hepburn biography. By 1930’s standards, Katherine Hepburn lived unconventionally for a movie star, avoiding makeup, wearing men’s trousers and daring to look androgynous.

But as stories of her arrogance and self-absorption found their way into the hearts and minds of moviegoers, they stayed away from her films in droves. She was declared box office poison.

Amid scandal and innuendo, Kate fled with Laura to Europe convinced her career was over. She made a momentous decision during this sojourn of the soul. She would sublimate her real essence in service to her Hollywood image. Like Marlene Dietrich, she spent the rest of her life securing a place for herself in the Hollywood pantheon of immortal legends, forever obliterating her true self.

Hepburn at the time had a marriage in name only to another socialite from New England. She divorced him. He was strictly a rebound after the actress’ affair with a male poet 13 years older, who was married, bisexual and an alcoholic. A decade later she would replace the bard with yet another married, bisexual alcoholic: Spencer Tracy!

Marriage, a rose covered cottage and wiping kids’ noses just wasn’t a goal for this daughter of a radical doctor who specialized in treating venereal diseases and whose mother was an early suffragette and crusader for birth control.

Her lady love got banished back to the stodgy Main Line. Laura kept a stiff upper lip as she blended back into the upper crust. Somehow the now parted lovers stayed lifelong friends!

Unlike Angelina’s indiscreet former lesbian lover, Jenny Shimizu, who continues to tell many intimate Sapphic tales out of school, Kate’s ex-girlfriend helped perpetuate the myth of the racy, romantic affair between Hepburn and Tracy. Laura Harding told folks that while the screen couple stayed at her New York apartment, they made passionate love, leaving behind broken figurines. Now that’s a REAL classy friend!

Kate Hepburn’s Hollywood agent arranged for her to be seen on the arm of that most macho man of letters, Ernest Hemingway, when she arrived back from Europe. The agent then began a calculated and contrived romance with the aristocratic actress, leaking news of an impending marriage to the press.

It was just the right saccharine to neutralize the epithet of “box office poison”.
“Honest” Kate went along with it for the sake of her future iconic screen career, despite her true feelings about the institution of marriage.

“I don’t believe in marriage, it’s bloody impractical. Perhaps men and women should live next door and just visit now and then,” the Connecticut Yankee often said.

Her mother advised: “If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.”

Angelina and Brad say they won’t marry until everyone (gays) in America can. So these two are conventional after all. They DO believe in marriage.

Jolie’s devotion to helping the helpless around the globe remains unassailed. The sensuous thespian gives one-third of her megamillion dollar salary to promote humanitarian causes and works tirelessly on behalf of the world’s refugees through the United Nations. She’s adopted Cambodian and Ethiopian children from bleak Third World orphanages. Even before Jolie & Brad Pitt biologically shared a child, they shared the same passion for traveling the world and offering succor to those suffering from poverty, famine and genocide.

On the other hand, Hepburn’s charitable cause was the alcoholic Spencer Tracy, a married Catholic tormented by the chasm between his church’s teachings and his concupiscent sex acts with men. The actress didn’t go on missions of mercy to Africa, but solely to film the Oscar winning film, The African Queen.

To the end of his days, Tracy believed he would be condemned to hell for his drinking, infidelity and homosexual liaisons. Movie mogul Jack Warner’s aide, the sartorial Brit
Richard Gully, told Vanity Fair in 2001 that Tracy was a “bisexual” who was “never sober”.

Today, the gold standard of screen legends, Katherine Hepburn, would be labeled “co-dependent”. She even did a mushy, revisionist PBS documentary designed to reinforce the public perception of Tracy & Hepburn as legendary lovers. One of her friends exclaimed: “She painted this romantic vision that wasn’t the way it happened.” Many friends firmly believe the couple NEVER even made love.

Honestly, the more we think about it: ANGELINA FOR PRESIDENT!!


© 2006, Sistarrs International

JOHNNY DEPP & F. SCOTT FITZGERALD: AMERICANS DOIN' IT THE FRENCH WAY

Americans love to hate the French. And the French savor a little anti-American venom sprinkled in their vichyssoise. And Americans respond by renaming french fries, freedom fries. Hey, let's all take the pacifiers outta our mouths and french kiss and make up, okay!

Moving to France proved to be a great career move for Johnny Depp. He found love and incredible happiness with French pop singer Vanessa Paradis. The former Hollywood bad boy became besotted by fatherhood with the birth of his first child. He swooned: "I was born that day. Its like the fog was lifted. I met my reason to live." He was no less baby struck when his second tot came along.

Parenthood seems to work miracles for Hollywood's Lost Generation, while drug rehab often does not. Johnny Depp, like Angelina Jolie, did a lot of drugs starting in his teens, has scars from cutting himself due to numbing stress AND from altered tattoos due to the vicissitudes of his love life. "Winona forever" is now "Wino forever". (Winona Ryder and Kate Moss are but two in his bevy of ex-girlfriends.)

Before Vanessa, the kids & France, Johnny got into a heap of trouble all the time. Arrests for bad behavior in hotel suites and lobbies. Allegations that he sold drugs in his Viper Room nightclub on the Sunset Strip. After River Phoenix's drug overdose death on the club's front sidewalk in 1993, the probe intensified. His last arrest was in 1999 in London after a fight with the paparazzi outside a restaurant.

Because of his kids, Johnny ventured into PG fare with movie roles like Willy Wonka and Capt. Jack Sparrow. And last week, the pirate plunderer led Johnny Depp into movie history. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest had the largest opening weekend take in Hollywood history, $132 million! Johnny's PG choice catapulted him into the stratosphere of bona fide superstars.

F. Scott Fitzgerald moved to Paris in 1924 for fame and fortune with his talented, gorgeous flapper wife Zelda. In the first year, he wrote The Great American Novel: The Great Gatsby. The Fitzgeralds worshipped at the altar of the superficial and the ephemeral. For them, France did not foster the same fabulous family life that Johnny Depp found there. Scott & Zelda were self-centered, lackadaisical parents to their only child Scottie. The kid knew only nannies, boarding schools and surrogate parents not related by blood.

The always broke writer's alcoholism became full blown. Zelda kept up with his drinking, and began a slide into the abyss of mental illness. Fitzgerald lived a dissolute Jazz Age lifestyle of endless booze soaked parties and being overshadowed by famous ex-patriate egos like Hemingway and Gertrude Stein.

Zelda and Scott often clashed over his friendship with Hemingway, whose macho posturing she characterized as "bullfighting, bullslinging, and bullshitting." History has proven Zelda 100 right on.

There is some speculation that after Zelda mocked the size of her husband's manhood: "You can never satisfy any woman. It's a matter of measurements," he ran to Hemingway for reassurance. Hemingway tried to convince the shamed novelist that his phallus was normal sized. "Papa" even took Scott to the Louvre for a peek at the Greek statues' privates. Hemingway's exaggerated macho swaggering in bed, in bars and on the plains of Africa is attributed to HIS manhood being the size of a woman's pinky, so who better for Scott to go to for an impartial opinion?

Southern belle Zelda's husband denied her truths, plagiarized from her writings and gave her no credit. Like many seers, she went mad. Zelda died a diagnosed schizophrenic in a mental institution fire at age 48.

As Fitzgerald wrote: "Show me a hero, and I will write you a tragedy." His was a Lost Generation that found death before redemption.

In life, Fitzgerald relentlessly pursued fame, fortune and beauty. He had no peace, and few sober days. He suffered from a huge inferiority complex. "Let me tell you about the very rich," he wrote. "They think, deep in their hearts, that they are better than we are..."

He died in Hollywood at 44 in the arms of his gossip columnist mistress. The famed writer Dorothy Parker murmured by his open coffin: "The poor son of a bitch." Zelda would have smiled at the fact that his pal Parker plagiarized THAT line from Jay Gatsby's funeral in Fitzgerald's The Great Gatsby!

Unlike Fitzgerald, Johnny Depp went to France to escape the Hollywood culture of fame and fortune. "I like keeping a distance from Hollywood because I don't have the pressure or responsibility of knowing who's the top dog this week and who's out from last week. I don't know who anybody is and I like it," the No. 1 Box Office Star in the World confides.

"Even before I met Vanessa, I always loved Europe. It's a very agreeable culture, the quality of life. Not so uptight." After he met her, he swooned: "She made me feel like a human being instead of someone Hollywood manufactured. Very quickly I realized I couldn't live without her."

Now that he has two kids, he's happy that, "They're growing up in a very simple and calm environment, where everything is not about the next movie or the next success."
Johnny Depp and his family live in a tiny, remote village on the French Riviera. He enjoys the snail's pace (or is it escargot race?). Unlike America, there's very little technology in the village. French families here spend their balmy evenings in their gardens with friends, serenading each other over red wine and barbeque. There are no paparazzi ("buzzing insects") to annoy and to deploy one's pugilistic instincts. Life is serene.

Not that Johnny doesn't miss American culture a tad. He occasionally rides his Harley up to the local McDonald's drive-thru, ordering a Big Mac and fries in impeccable French.

He likes riding his honey on the back of his bike to a little local bar. He has coffee "with my girl... France has given me the opportunity to live a basic and simple life with my kiddies, a life of normalcy."

While his fellow Kentuckian George Clooney found the good life at his villa on Italy's Lake Como, Johnny's found his bliss in a small farmhouse in a rural French town.

L'amour, l'amour, toujours l'amour, y'all!

(c) 2006 Sistarrs International

BRAD PITT AND RUDOLPH VALENTINO: PUSSY WHIPPED IN HOLLYWOOD

For his last year, the press questioned the manhood of this wet dream of millions of sex-starved female moviegoers. They felt his bisexual second wife wore the pants in the family, and that her total domination in every area of his life compromised his virility. The sexy hunk they knew and loved had vanished, replaced by a pussy-whipped puppet. The public consensus: his career as a screen heartthrob was as viable as the Titanic after it hit the iceberg.

Brad and Angelina? NOT.

They were talking about the silent film star RUDOLPH VALENTINO, whose celluloid seductions in the early 1900’s had unleashed the forbidden, erotic passions in millions of repressed women around the world through his “Sheik” movies.

Valentino’s status as The World’s Greatest Screen Lover wasn’t helped by the fact that his two wives were both lesbians.

Giving his best buddy, screen sex symbol Ramon Novarro, a lead Art Deco dildo for his birthday raised a few eyebrows, too. Forty-five years later, two gay hustlers rammed the dildo down the aged Novarro’s throat, killing him.

Rudy’s actress first wife, on the rebound after a spat with her longtime live-in girlfriend, married him in haste. The spur-of-the-moment union never got consummated. Seems the new bride chained their hotel honeymoon suite shut, as the matinee idol pleaded in vain for his conjugal rights.

Natasha Rambova, a former lover of Nazimova, Hollywood’s most notorious lesbian den mother, became his second wife.

Nazimova introduced Rudy to both his show biz wives, an indictment of sorts. That Nazimova is Nancy Reagan’s godmother is just one of those fabulous oxymorons!

The drop-dead gorgeous Natasha, an iron butterfly born Winifred Shaunessy, proceeded to grab his gonads and hold on for dear life. She immediately slapped a platinum slave bracelet on Valentino and took over all negotiations with the studio.

Eighty years after Valentino’s burial at age 31 in a Hollywood crypt, the slave bracelet still on his wrist, Tinseltown is again abuzz with doubts about the cojones of its current “Sexiest Man Alive”, Brad Pitt. Obviously the advent of the 21st century has done little to alter the traditional perceptions of what makes a man a man.

Brad’s total submersion into the bisexual Angelina Jolie’s baby besotted, globetrotting lifestyle seems to have turned him “from the ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ into a pussy-whipped male nanny in less than a year’s time,” writes one disenchanted fan.

The modern day equivalent of Valentino’s slave bracelet from Natasha seems to be Brad’s slavish devotion to pleasing Angie on all fronts, AND on his lower back. The superstar actress erased a Japanese kanji for death tattoo a few years back. She immediately replaced it with a large prayer of Buddhist Sanskrit symbols on her left shoulder, a prayer of protection for her little Cambodian son, Maddox.

In April 2006, it was reported that Brad’s devotion to Angelina and her adopted tots (now his, too) was taken a step further when he got an identical tattoo of the Sanskrit blessing for little Maddox inked onto his lower back, five black columns of symbols. To further impress his inamorata with his filial devotion, Hollywood’s reigning hunk went out and got himself a Mohawk to match 4-year old Maddox’s hairdo!?

Oy vey, that can’t be good for his macho leading man image. Many think Brad’s Hollywood siren is calling forth his lovesick little puppy dog. A long way from his high school nickname, “Brad the Pit Bull”.

Allegedly, he’s gotten down on one knee on more than one occasion to propose holy wedlock. Angelina always turns him down, cooing in his ear: “Let’s not ruin something so perfect.”

Jolie’s lover of 10 years, actress/model Jenny Shimizu, has a different take on her ex’s real reason for not getting hitched to Brad.

Jenny and Angelina met as co-stars in the 1993 movie, “Foxfire”. The movie goddess has always acknowledged their romantic and sexual relationship: “I probably would have married Jenny if I hadn’t married my (first) husband. I fell in love with her the second I saw her,” she told a reporter.

“He seems to come from a different place. He wants to have kids and a perfect marriage.
I don’t think there’s anyway of controlling Angelina,” Jenny told a British tabloid, The News of the World. “She’s not going to be a housewife. Angelina loves danger and dabbling in the dark side. That’s where she gets her kicks, not playing happy family with one man.”

Jenny Shimizu continued on with her indiscreet stream of consciousness.

“I even took her to dominatrix joints and she loved them all. The darker the better.”

Brad, you may have just gotten yourself the new millenium Natasha Rambova. Get ready for that platinum slave bracelet!

Jenny concludes her Sapphic paean by waxing rhapsodic about Angelina’s luscious lips.

“She is beautiful. Her mouth is amazing. It’s like two water beds, it’s like this big kind of warm, mushy, beautiful thing. Angelina is an unbelievable lesbian lover. She loves women too much. It’s like a drug and she was hooked. I can’t imagine her just being married and being happy.”

Brad may be on a short leash, but this woman needs a muzzle!!

Meanwhile, back to the lavender fraught saga of Rudolph Valentino. Because Natasha became involved in every facet of Valentino’s professional and personal life, the press accused her of wearing the pants in the family. They sneered at the slave bracelet she gave him. In 1926, the Chicago Tribune attacked him as a pink powder puff and blamed him for the feminization of the American male.

Eventually, the studio gave Valentino a huge contract with the stipulation that Natasha be banned from all movie sets. Rudy tried to save the marriage by financing her cryptic lesbian fantasy film. When it failed, so did the marriage. Once off the gravy train, Natasha wanted out of the connubial bed. The screen god tried to save face by claiming he really wanted a housewife, not a business partner, but the public suspected otherwise.

Today’s screen god waxes rhapsodic about his new role as a parent: “It’s a true joy and a very profound love,” Brad swoons. “You can write a book, you can make a movie, you can paint a painting, but having kids is the most extraordinary thing I’ve ever done.”

His unhappy fans have a few poignant thoughts on the new Brad Pitt.

“…I still feel he was hog tied and rushed into all of this…after some incredible shags, he was submitted to some stern lecturing by la Jolie…a year ago he was smoking bongs and grooving, now he is trying to ‘mature’ like a piece of old cheese.”

“Brad Pitt was easy. If Angelina Jolie can get Mathew McConaughey to marry her, get her pregnant, then change diapers and bring the kids to day care at the studio, I am ready to submit to her supernatural powers.”

It seems the calendar has moved ahead by almost a century, but the public’s opinion of a liberated man has not.

Oscar winner Angelina voted by the readers of US magazine as, “the actress most straight women would like to have sex with” responded by saying, “That’s okay, because I’m the actress most likely to have sex with them.”

In a supreme irony, it was recently revealed that Angelina and Madonna shared a lover…Jenny Shimizu! How’s that for the sixth degree of separation in the Hollywood maelstrom?

Perhaps Brad Pitt is learning through the 21st century forum of public opinion the painful lesson Rudolph Valentino talked about in the early days of the last century:

“Women are not in love with me but with the picture of me on the screen. I am merely the canvas on which women paint their dreams.”

It would seem the same thing applies to Angelina in these terminally hip times.

©2006, Sistarrs International

MADONNA: THE WORLD'S GREATEST FEMALE IMPERSONATOR

In the Eighties, Madonna donned diamonds and a pink taffeta gown and became the bumping, breathless sex siren MARILYN MONROE, playing the quintessential man-eating golddigger in the 1953 movie, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes."

In the Nineties, she dressed in drag in manly tails and a top hat, flirted and planted kisses on girl singers and chorines, and became the gender-bending MARLENE DIETRICH in the 1930 German flick, "The Blue Angel".

But the charismatic chameleons latest act, copping a feel from ANGELINA JOLIE's heartfelt philanthropy to Third World tots, is a brand new twist in her repertoire.

MARILYN MONROE proved an inspired first choice for Madonna to emulate in her unrelenting march to immortality on the trails blazed by iconic women.

Madonna's video of her first hit, "Material Girl", is an identical re-enactment of Marilyn's musical number "Diamonds Are a Girls Best Friend" from the 1953 movie, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes", right down to the hot pink gown and even hotter choreography with slavish men vying for the sexpots attention. This slyly salacious video put Madonna on the map and led to a meeting with her Hollywood prince, Sean Penn, and a subsequent regal wedding.

Both Marilyn and Madonna had much in common: the will to do whatever it takes to achieve superstardom. Nude photoshoots. Sleeping with hordes of men who could help get them there. And sharing the same one true love: posing for the camera unto eternity. They both had a recurring fantasy of being naked in a church and delighting in the shocked congregation silently admiring their concupiscent wonders.

For over a decade, Madonna's been shocking the congregation with her titillating, quasi-religious send up of "Like A Prayer", doggie style. Recently, she attempted to put the Pope in the Pissed Off Group of Congregants by inviting him to her "Confessions" concert in Rome to witness her "crucifixion" on a disco-mirrored cross, while wearing a tiara of thorns over her blonde tresses. Mercifully, he declined.

MARLENE DIETRICH and her bisexual shtick in the 1930 German film, "The Blue Angel", playing nightclub singer Lola-Lola, a jaded, slutty cross-dresser who tips her top hat to a pretty lady sitting ringside, pulls a long stemmed rose from her tuxedo and plants a long, wet one on the lady's kisser, AND Fraulein Dietrich's real life AC/DC lifestyle, inspired Madonna to even greater sybaritic, shocking heights.

In her 1993 stage spectacle "The Girlie Show", Madonna dressed as a whipcracking dominatrix from the Weimar Republic, surrounded by topless dancers. Later in the show, taking yet another raunchy page from Dietrich's act, Madonna appears in mens clothing outrageously flirting with the dancing girls, pumping, grinding and kissing them while singing "Like a Virgin".

About this time in her life, Madonna horned in on Dietrich's bisexual personal life and began rumored affairs with comedienne Sandra Bernhard and lesbian nightclub queen Ingrid Casares.

Madonna has crafted her femme fatale persona as carefully as Dietrich, who provided her the blueprint. Madonna's also channeled Marlene's Prussian iron will. Nothing can stop these ubermensches in their quest for world domination.

Dietrich fell off the stage at age 70, her wig stapled to her head, her facial skin pulled back with tape, her swollen legs bloodied and bandaged and stuffed into her high heels. She broke her leg. The next night she turns up on stage, smiling, singing, camping it up in a tight sequined gown despite excruciating pain and her leg encased in a cast. Hows that for Teutonic toughness?!

A middle-aged Madonna fell off her horse at her country estate and nearly broke half the bones in her body. Witnesses report that she cried out in pain in a perfect British accent. Now thats steely resolve. Less than a year later, the sinewy filly dances her ass off in her latest stage show "Confessions". Writhing down a dance pole in a tight black leather outfit while belting out "Like a Virgin", shes got a skeptical world eating outta her leather gloved hand, while holding an S&M apparatus attached to a human "horse" with the other. She mounts the muzzled, muscular male dancer. Then she reminds us just how indestructible she is. She flashes MRI images and x-rays of her broken bones on the huge screen behind her.

Oy vey, she's out-Dietriched Marlene!!

In what we can only hope is a final homage to her androgynous show biz benefactor, Madonna chose the 2003 MTV awards for her piece de resistance in her "shocking" gender-bending oeuvre. Madonna dressed herself up in a black tux as a groom while former Mouseketeers turned Lolitas, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera, were outfitted in faux bridal gowns. After the three did a titillating gyration in sync, Madonna slipped the tongue to Aguilera and then planted a Sapphic smooch on Britney. Their lesbian romp earned thunderous applause from the aroused crowd. And the congregation sat in shocked disbelief

And now Madonna is mimicking yet another beautiful bisexual, ANGELINA JOLIE.

Oscar winner Jolie donates a third of her mega-million dollar income to philanthropic causes, including the UN agency (UNHCR) that assists 20 million refugees in 120 countries. She candidly gave CNN's Anderson Cooper the compelling reason for her largesse: "Yes, well, I have a stupid income for what I do for a living." And who can argue with that?

It looks like the Hollywood pendulum is swinging the other way. Conspicuous consumption is now morphing into conspicuous philanthropy.

After Jolie's two-hour CNN interview, Madonna announced her plans to raise at least $3 million to care for orphans in the AIDS-afflicted African country of Malawi. The former Material Girl will visit Africa this fall and credits her faith in reinvention, oops sorry, her faith in Kabbalah with shifting her priorities.

Now if those rumors we hear about Angelina splitting up with Brad are true, you better watch your ass, hubby Guy Ritchie.

(c) 2006 Sistarrs International

PARIS HILTON AND THAT CHURCHILL TRAMP

There once existed in this three-ring circus called life, a calculating, over-sexed socialite who stopped at nothing to get power and glory. She worked day and night to perfect her extensive repertoire of sexual acrobatics. She conquered every married man of immense wealth and power on the planet. She even married three of them. She elevated the term courtesan to a new level. Indeed she was the most successful tramp who ever lived. Her name was Pamela Churchill.

By comparison, Paris Hilton comes off as a serious businesswoman, a brilliant entrepreneur whose sexual pyrotechnics on video tape are just a modern day stress reliever and publicity ploy for the woman on the go.

On the eve of World War II, an English baron's plain, humorless daughter, Pamela Digby, wed Winston Churchill's drunken bum son. It seems the climb up the social register to ever higher octaves can be mighty dirty work. Even for well-heeled socialites.

Junior on a good day looked like a gargoyle with warts. Even Fort Knox couldn't pay off his huge gambling debts. His lechery and vulgarity made Casanova look like a celibate monk. And he was a pompous twit who went on a quiz show and gave the wrong answer to the first question worth $64. But, hey, he was a CHURCHILL.

But luckily, Paris never had to sell her body and soul to get a famous name and station in life. She was born into the Hilton Hotel empire that gave shelter to one and all around the globe. Those cookie cutter hotel rooms gave her family palatial digs everywhere. But Paris, like Pamela, was a high society high school drop out determined to straddle the next comet to universal super stardom.

Now what's a girl in today's world supposed to do when her parents' generation invented casual sex, recreational drugs and Elvis' thrusting brand of rock 'n roll? The bar just doesn't get any higher for a child's full scale rebellion against her parents.

So what's a celebutante to do? Why the nasty with the sleazy ex-husband of your wacko actress friend, of course. All the while insouciantly unfurling that sly as a fox smile for his camcorder's red light. Flash your amorous dexterity, Paris, in this private session destined to propel your lackluster TV reality show to the cosmos when this x-rated tape debuts on the world wide web, billed as "One Night In Paris."

Pamela Churchill did not have this distinct advantage of technology in her rise from her knees to the top of the world. She had to do it the old fashioned way: stealing other women's husbands, shtupping and kissing only solid gold asses, and isolating these old fools from their kids so she could get their millions. And that took considerable skill, iron discipline and a cultivated charm beyond human endurance.

And let's not forget the miracles of the plastic surgeon's art, Lady Clairol blonde, and the killer wardrobes provided by the purveyors of international haute couture. However, a fun girl she never became. You just can't create even the illusion of a sense of humor, it seems. But when ambition and shame know no bounds, and you embark on relentless campaigns to make a man feel that you breathe and exist for his every whim, his every utterance, his every fantasy, you can truly become MISTRESS OF THE UNIVERSE.

Husband No. 2, Leland Hayward, the famed producer of "Sound of Music" and dozens of other show biz hits, gave her the ultimate conjugal compliment: "She is the greatest courtesan of the 20th century." Her hundreds of rich & powerful lovers from Baron Rothschild to William Paley (CBS) to Frank Sinatra to Stavros Niarchos & Prince Aly Khan applauded.

And apparently so did President Clinton. Through husband No. 3, political dealmaker and tycoon Averell Harriman, Pamela Churchill funded Bill Clinton's Presidential campaign and fueled his fantasies. They were sybaritic spirits and then some.

The new Commander-in-Chief rewarded the aging British courtesan with the most coveted and respected diplomatic post in the world: American Ambassador to France. She died in the City of Love at 76, while doing a backstroke in the pool at the Ritz Hotel. Keeping limber, no doubt, for her next diplomatic affair.

Now for Paris, lovers are playthings and publicity stunts. They are beneath her in all ways. They are but stepping stones in creating the brand that is PARIS HILTON. Because of her well-calculated sexploits, Paris pulled in a cool $15 million last year, including dough from her jewelry and fragrance lines. That's more than 10 times the $1.25 million generated by Marilyn Monroe's estate through the licensing of her name and image.

This party girl socialite is now a global business brand. Her name is on nightclubs, clothing and handbag lines, energy drinks, movie credits, best-selling books, record albums and a syndicated TV reality show. She commands up to $200,000 for a 20-minute party appearance and receives a half a million dollars plus for her commercials. She hawks everything from T-Mobile cell phones to Carl's Jr. hamburgers with a casual panache.

Paris Hilton is a great business woman. Even the paparazzi know that! Pamela Churchill was a great tramp. Oops, courtesan. And we can prove it.

Paris recently confessed that she is "not sexual" despite the famous sex tape and her lascivious, sexy image that is projected daily in 3-D and Technicolor across the world's landscape. "It's just my image. All my boyfriends ask what's the matter with me. They say I'm not sexual at all."

Paris Hilton frigid?

Now that's HOT!!

(c) 2006, Sistarrs International

PAM ANDERSON & GANDHI: SEXY VEGETARIANS

Voluptuous Pam Anderson seduces her carnivorous fans by cooing: "For the best orgasm ever, go vegetarian." That girl doesn't lie. Check out her x-rated video: "Stolen Honeymoon: Hardcore & Uncensored." The Baywatch pinup gives full credit to her vegan diet for her intense, stupendous sex life. As her buddy Bill Maher says: "Meat is dirty. I wouldn't touch a hot dog without a condom on it."

For the highly sexed Hindu vegetarian Gandhi, his vow of celibacy in his mid-thirties led to a titanic struggle to remain sexually abstinent. "It's like walking on the sword's edge," he moaned nostalgically. The randy Mahatma, Great Soul, was a huge flirt who worshipped women. He finally worked out his celibacy by invoking the Hindu worship of semen as the vital life force. The culture believes that loss of semen through sex is debilitating to body and mind. Gandhi needed his ALL to bring independence to his homeland through his gospel of militant non-violence. British rule was defeated. Mother India triumphed.

Pam's no slouch either in waging militant, non-violent war against the forces of darkness.

The sexpot wore a lettuce leaf bikini to urge meat lovers to "turn over a new leaf and eat vegetarian." Now that's irresistibly subversive.

Through her work with PETA, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, she consistently condemns the fashion industry for their use of fur. Her best friend Carmen Electra backs her up: "It's sad. That's a living creature. We don't have the right to take their life away just for fashion."

Pam, no doubt, heard actress Bea Arthur's horror story: "I was in a Broadway show and I had to wear a fox's fur around my shoulders. One day my hand touched one of the fox's legs. It seemed to be in two pieces. Then it dawned on me. The leg had probably been snapped in two by the steel trap that had caught it." Bea shared the dais with Pamela at her "Comedy Central Roast", which benefited PETA.

Gandhi shared Pamela's passion for safeguarding animals from wanton cruelty. "The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way it treats its animals. To my mind, the life of a lamb is no less precious than that of a human being."

Pam went after the KFC fast-food chain for its cruel treatment of the chickens destined for the Colonel's kitchens. PETA made an agitprop underground video detailing the horrific abuses.

A stunned, but ever gracious Beyoncé was recently ambushed by a PETA supporter at a charity dinner and forced to watch this video. Guess PETA never heard of Gandhi's advice when encountering meat eaters or colonialists: "Whenever you are confronted with an opponent, conquer him with love." Our advice to Beyoncé: Found a group called, PETH: People for the Ethical Treatment of Humans.

Let's always remember that Hitler was a vegetarian and Jesus ate meat at the Last Supper. So, there is such a thing as a fascist vegetarian, lest we forget.

Pam demanded a boycott of KFC, complaining that modern chickens are "so top heavy that they can barely walk." Wow, Pam, your breast implants left you top heavy, too. By the way, the silicone gel used in implants is tested on animals.

Gandhi's boycott of British and foreign made goods proved more effective. People bought Indian instead. To promote village self-sufficiency, Gandhi, in a loincloth, took to his spinning wheel and popularized hand-spun cloth. A Brahman supporter once joked: "You will never know how much it coasts to keep that saint, that wonderful old man in poverty." Remember, Gandhi for many years was a lawyer who wore a three-piece tailored morning suit to court.

Gandhi & Pam prove that nobody's perfect and everybody can change.

Pam has fronted PETA's anti-leather campaign for years, even urging Mercedes-Benz to change its leather interiors. Yet for the film Barb Wire, the highly paid star wore a sexy, black leather outfit.

Hepatitis C, which can lead to liver cancer, hit Pam a few years back. In 2002, she served as the Grand Marshal for an American Liver Foundation fundraiser. The group believes that animal testing is essential for finding a cure for liver diseases, and funds the research.

Yes, life is one big oxymoron.

Saintly Gandhi was very human, too. Married at 13, he missed being at his father's deathbed because of "lustful pangs" (sex) toward his young, pregnant wife. That left him with an abiding guilt about sex that would eventually be sublimated in political activism. Gandhi made his celibacy official after the birth of his fourth son. He told his wife NO MORE SEX. This caused her much stress, which means Gandhi must've performed quite well in the sack.

He left the marital bed forever, but later caused a scandal by sleeping with young, naked girls to keep him warm and to "test his resolve." The Mahatma warmers were all virgins and young brides in his inner circle. The celibate master and his harem lived in emotional chaos. When one of his disciples, Raihana Tyabji, a celibate and a healer, slept naked with one of her patients, Gandhi scolded her.

Pam, who admits to "monkey sex" with her former hubby Tommy Lee and other rocker boyfriends, is now taking on Madison Avenue's ad agencies for using chimps and apes in commercials. The animal rights activist says:

"The chimps are forced to endure the stress of performing pathetic tricks under the lights in front of crowds. I choose to have that kind of life, these animals didn't."

Yep, vegetarians are sexy folk.

And life is one big oxymoron...

(c)2006, Sistarrs International

BRITNEY AND THE NUNS IN HER 'HOOD

The pop tart has some mighty interesting Malibu neighbors. James Cameron, director of the blockbuster disaster movie “Titanic” lives next door, as does fabled Australian songbird
Olivia Newton-John ("I Honestly Love You").

Their richest, most powerful neighbor owns the sprawling edifice atop the highest mountain with the most breathtaking views of the blue ocean and lush, green mountains. Even Mel Gibson ("The Passion of the Christ") lives in the shadow of this powerful neighbor in a valley Tudor house.

The omnipotent neighbor is NOT a famous celebrity, but a humble order of Franciscan nuns who reign supreme at the Catholic Church's Malibu retreat.

Of late, their neighbor Britney has gotten into some scrapes with the law. Sheriff’s deputies have become regular visitors to her bejeweled mansion. Seems the Baby Madonna's mothering skills need remedial help.

We’re told the kindly nuns have taken Mother Teresa’s dictum: “I want you to be concerned about your neighbor…If you judge people, you have no time to love them,” to heart. Prayers for Britney and her family are offered regularly.

Never underestimate the power of prayer. Britney’s charity of late is legendary. The best proof is her husband, K-Fed.

After recklessly driving down Pacific Coast Highway with her unbelted baby in her lap, she immediately atoned for her sin by flying to New Orleans to minister to the victims of Hurricane Katrina.

Her Christian charity also extends to her stepkids. Friends report that she’s built a humongous playhouse for the tots in her backyard which could well house half the victims of Hurricane Katrina. And the influence of her nun neighbors from the Order of St. Francis goes even further. She loves animals just as St. Francis of Assisi did. Britney has a very special, loving relationship with them. Her pet pooch receives regal treatment (as does Kevin). Insiders report that his doggie bowl has the SAME rubies and diamonds as Britney’s cell phone.

There are reports that Britney is with child once again.

Ah, Mother Teresa must be smiling down on Britney. The saintly nun believed, “Love begins by taking care of the closest ones, the ones at home.”

With charity for all and malice to none…

We love you, Britney!

(c) 2006, Sistarrs International

PAM ANDERSON & ANNA NICOLE SHOP COSTCO... MARY LINCOLN WENT BROKE BUYING RETAIL

Who says blondes are dumb? Two Hollywood sexpots are regular bargain hunters at a COSTCO in suburban L.A. As PAM ANDERSON and ANNA NICOLE SMITH jiggle up and down the aisles of the cavernous discount warehouse amassing food supplies in bulk, the staff votes on its favorite silicone siren.

The former Texas stripper with the huge mammaries and a dead, shriveled 89 year old billionaire husband is seen as a self-absorbed and petulant shopper. Anna Nicole is celebrating two recent major victories that could well mean she’ll soon be an ex-Costco shopper.

The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that she can once more go after her late husband’s billions, again locking horns with his oil tycoon son, Pierce Marshall, for a heifer’s share of the estate. Marshall released a statement: “I will continue to fight in the courts. That is a promise she and her lawyers can take to the bank.”

Well, Pierce Marshall dropped dead over the weekend. And we feel a Texas size binge comin’ on in the aisles of Costco, as Anna Nicole celebrates this development. A $482 million dollar payday is at stake. Plus the Merry Widow’s eatin’ for two now.

The Costco staff’s been none too happy with Anna Nicole stumbling around the frozen food aisle or with her insistent, incoherent, imperious requests in the past. So they’re keeping their fingers crossed for the former exotic dancer to get her lucre.

Another famous self-absorbed, petulant and often incoherent shopper was Mary Todd Lincoln, wife of the Civil War President Abraham Lincoln. The only difference between Mary and Anna Nicole is that the First Lady never worked a pole and she ALWAYS shopped retail. Well, actually that’s just a cheap shot. There were a few other distinctions.

Mary Lincoln compulsively shopped for the latest European fashions and went into debt for her new clothes. She hid the bills from her husband. She suffered from bipolar disorder. During one manic period, the First Lady bought 400 pairs of gloves. When her 12-year old son Willie died in the White House, she went deeper into debt compulsively buying mourning clothes. The more her Confederate relatives sided with the South, the more the First Lady drew fire from Lincoln’s constituents. And this led to binge buying of even lower cut dresses (hello, Anna Nicole) and knock offs of French Empress Eugenie’s regal frocks.

Lincoln was really upset about Mary flaunting her décolletage in front of his cabinet and everyone else. He would’ve gone nuts had he known about the bills, but she squirreled the “past due” notices far away. A Costco card would’ve replaced her lines of credit.

The very modern PAM ANDERSON is the darling of the suburban Costco employees and shoppers seeking super sized fare. Unlike Anna Nicole and Mary Lincoln, a man’s money is rendered inconsequential in Pam’s buying sweepstakes, be it wholesale or retail. Her millions keep racking up (pun intended) by her own hard work and her limitless ingenuity in working the dumb blonde sexpot angle.

She regularly shleps her two rambunctious boys and her huge mammaries through the endless miles of titillating bargains. People at Costco marvel at her maternal devotion, her humility and sociability. She has a smile and a kind word for everyone. All the while, she entices every man on the planet to lust after her, and every woman to secretly wish for her animal magnetism.

This cannot be as easy as Pam Anderson makes it look.

Once we caught her off guard at seven in the morning at a Malibu breakfast place with her two kids & mother. Pam wore no makeup, baggy gray sweats and her hair pulled up with a rubber band. She looked luminous. We kidded her that she was sitting at our favorite table. She immediately offered to move. We chatted about hot flashes and the temperature in the room. Just regular folk.

As Mark Twain once observed: “Choice, not chance, determines destiny. Some great people make other people feel small. But REALLY GREAT people make everyone feel great.”

Who knew that Pamela Anderson AND Muhammed Ali are The Greatest?!

And we hear that The Champ also shops Costco…

(c)2006, Sistarrs International

JESSICA SIMPSON & JEAN HARLOW: “THE CREEPY DAD CLUB”

“She just is sexy. If you put her in a T-shirt or you put her in a bustier, she’s sexy in both. She’s got double D’s! You can’t cover those suckers up!”

That’s Christian Pastor Joe Simpson singing heavenly praises about his blonde bombshell daughter Jessica and her earthly anatomy. The dad/manager continues his devilish display of filial devotion by observing: “Her chest is ahead of her by about two or three feet. It gets there before she does.”

The congregation of the Church of What’s Happening, better known as the world wide web, seems universal in the opinion that Pastor Joe: “…is a creepy Christian who pimps his daughters out.” Dad also manages his other daughter, Ashlee.

Preceding Pastor Joe in the “creepy dad” category by over 70 years was Mario Bello, the smarmy stepfather of the original blonde bombshell, JEAN HARLOW. For those of you who never heard of the ‘30s movie actress, let’s just say without Harlow, there’d be no MARILYN MONROE. Marilyn idolized the ‘30s sex goddess who died young, and kept scrapbooks on her. She mimicked Harlow right down to wearing no underwear, and bleaching the hair on her head AND way down south.

Harlow’s smothering mother and incestuous stepfather managed her career. They siphoned off large amounts of money from her bank account. Even in her movie star heyday, Jean struggled to pay their bills. Only Jean’s death at age 26 severed the umbilical cord between the obsessed, emotional blackmailer mother and “The Baby”.

After molesting her, Harlow’s creepy, braggadocio stepdad pimped her out to his gangster friends, the most notable being Bugsy Siegel. Jean refused the dashing murderer’s advances after Dad brought her to Bugsy’s bedroom. She did, however, date mobster Abe Zwillman, who got her a Cadillac, a diamond bracelet, AND a two-picture deal with Columbia Pictures. The studio head owed Abe a lot of money.

Now Pastor Joe never did any such thing to superstar Jessica. But he did somethin’ that made people scratch their heads and go, “HUH?!!” When Jessica reached 12, Dad gave her a “promise ring”. During the ceremony, he made his daughter promise to stay a virgin until she wed. Dad pledged to be the only man in Jessica’s life until then. He vowed to, “…tell you how beautiful you are every day. Even when you make a mistake, you are someone special. And I am going to be that person until the day you find a man to do that in my place.” HUH?!!

Okay, so it worked. Jessica Simpson remained a virgin until her marriage to singer Nick Lachey. Just ask the producers of their MTV reality show, “Newlyweds”. But Jean Harlow, socialite daughter of a Christian Scientist mother, also stayed a virgin until she married her first husband, a young, handsome heir to a fortune.

There is speculation that the divorces that followed for both virginal sex queens happened in large part because of Daddy Dearest. Nick Lachey often said he couldn’t tell if Pastor Joe liked him. Dad seemed omnipresent in their marriage.

Jessica Simpson & Jean Harlow both had the epithet “dumb blonde” attached to their respective luminous careers as top-selling music artist and Hollywood’s first sexpot superstar.

Jessica asked her husband if the Chicken of the Sea tuna she was eating was chicken or fish! She also believed that buffalo wings came from buffalos! This “dumb blonde” shrewdly parlayed her faux pas squared into a 3 million seller platinum album.

Jean Harlow, the other “dumb blonde”, had a photographic memory. She NEVER ran lines. She’d take a quick look at the script, emerge from her dressing room and do the scenes PERFECTLY, take after take. Jean was also a voracious reader with an historic novel or detective story always in hand.

Both Jessica and Jean’s grandmothers financed their early careers.

Jessica, sang in Pastor Joe’s church choir. Discovered by a Christian record label while at church camp, the singer was elated. But Jessica’s newfound label went belly up before her record could be released. Grandma financed a small pressing. The teen went on to become a hit on the Christian Youth Conference circuit, and then on to pop music fame and seductive carnality.

Jean Harlow’s rich grandfather vowed to disinherit her if she pursued a Hollywood career. So her grandmother secretly sent money from her trust fund. Yes, Grandma Harlow initially bankrolled the Tinseltown dream that became reality.

We can only hope that Jessica does not parallel Jean Harlow’s post-divorce path.

In her quest for a proper Daddy, Harlow married a man twice her age, a Casper Milquetoast lookalike who was known on the MGM lot as Hollywood’s “Little Father Confessor”. Paul Bern, husband No. 2, was only the second man to have sex with Jean. The ferret-like Bern enjoyed a reputation around town as a gentleman and suave intellect.

In reality, the platinum blonde sex goddess had married a man with the penis and testicles of an infant boy. And as if this wasn’t stupendous enough, he was impotent to boot. Two months after their wedding, Bern made an heroic attempt to satisfy his bride and his marital obligation. He appeared in Jean’s bed chamber wearing nothing but a huge, realistic, rubber phallus. Jean burst out laughing at the sight and size of the dildo.

The next evening, Jean Harlow found her husband dead on the bathroom floor, a bullet in his brain.

A grief-stricken Jean turned to promiscuity and alcoholism to punish herself. Disguised, she had anonymous sex with many men in many cities. Once, a salesman in a sleazy San Francisco motel encounter told her she looked a little like Jean Harlow.

But life is one big oxymoron. She remained Hollywood’s most beloved citizen. Jean Harlow’s light shone brightly in Hollywood until the end. Even the spurned Bugsy Siegel showed up at her funeral to pay his respects.

So, Jessica, go slowly into that dating scene. Don’t look for Daddy. Look for the trite. Look for the sweet mystery of life.

And then run like hell from Pastor Joe.

(c)2006, Sistarrs International