BRAD PITT AND RUDOLPH VALENTINO: PUSSY WHIPPED IN HOLLYWOOD

For his last year, the press questioned the manhood of this wet dream of millions of sex-starved female moviegoers. They felt his bisexual second wife wore the pants in the family, and that her total domination in every area of his life compromised his virility. The sexy hunk they knew and loved had vanished, replaced by a pussy-whipped puppet. The public consensus: his career as a screen heartthrob was as viable as the Titanic after it hit the iceberg.

Brad and Angelina? NOT.

They were talking about the silent film star RUDOLPH VALENTINO, whose celluloid seductions in the early 1900’s had unleashed the forbidden, erotic passions in millions of repressed women around the world through his “Sheik” movies.

Valentino’s status as The World’s Greatest Screen Lover wasn’t helped by the fact that his two wives were both lesbians.

Giving his best buddy, screen sex symbol Ramon Novarro, a lead Art Deco dildo for his birthday raised a few eyebrows, too. Forty-five years later, two gay hustlers rammed the dildo down the aged Novarro’s throat, killing him.

Rudy’s actress first wife, on the rebound after a spat with her longtime live-in girlfriend, married him in haste. The spur-of-the-moment union never got consummated. Seems the new bride chained their hotel honeymoon suite shut, as the matinee idol pleaded in vain for his conjugal rights.

Natasha Rambova, a former lover of Nazimova, Hollywood’s most notorious lesbian den mother, became his second wife.

Nazimova introduced Rudy to both his show biz wives, an indictment of sorts. That Nazimova is Nancy Reagan’s godmother is just one of those fabulous oxymorons!

The drop-dead gorgeous Natasha, an iron butterfly born Winifred Shaunessy, proceeded to grab his gonads and hold on for dear life. She immediately slapped a platinum slave bracelet on Valentino and took over all negotiations with the studio.

Eighty years after Valentino’s burial at age 31 in a Hollywood crypt, the slave bracelet still on his wrist, Tinseltown is again abuzz with doubts about the cojones of its current “Sexiest Man Alive”, Brad Pitt. Obviously the advent of the 21st century has done little to alter the traditional perceptions of what makes a man a man.

Brad’s total submersion into the bisexual Angelina Jolie’s baby besotted, globetrotting lifestyle seems to have turned him “from the ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ into a pussy-whipped male nanny in less than a year’s time,” writes one disenchanted fan.

The modern day equivalent of Valentino’s slave bracelet from Natasha seems to be Brad’s slavish devotion to pleasing Angie on all fronts, AND on his lower back. The superstar actress erased a Japanese kanji for death tattoo a few years back. She immediately replaced it with a large prayer of Buddhist Sanskrit symbols on her left shoulder, a prayer of protection for her little Cambodian son, Maddox.

In April 2006, it was reported that Brad’s devotion to Angelina and her adopted tots (now his, too) was taken a step further when he got an identical tattoo of the Sanskrit blessing for little Maddox inked onto his lower back, five black columns of symbols. To further impress his inamorata with his filial devotion, Hollywood’s reigning hunk went out and got himself a Mohawk to match 4-year old Maddox’s hairdo!?

Oy vey, that can’t be good for his macho leading man image. Many think Brad’s Hollywood siren is calling forth his lovesick little puppy dog. A long way from his high school nickname, “Brad the Pit Bull”.

Allegedly, he’s gotten down on one knee on more than one occasion to propose holy wedlock. Angelina always turns him down, cooing in his ear: “Let’s not ruin something so perfect.”

Jolie’s lover of 10 years, actress/model Jenny Shimizu, has a different take on her ex’s real reason for not getting hitched to Brad.

Jenny and Angelina met as co-stars in the 1993 movie, “Foxfire”. The movie goddess has always acknowledged their romantic and sexual relationship: “I probably would have married Jenny if I hadn’t married my (first) husband. I fell in love with her the second I saw her,” she told a reporter.

“He seems to come from a different place. He wants to have kids and a perfect marriage.
I don’t think there’s anyway of controlling Angelina,” Jenny told a British tabloid, The News of the World. “She’s not going to be a housewife. Angelina loves danger and dabbling in the dark side. That’s where she gets her kicks, not playing happy family with one man.”

Jenny Shimizu continued on with her indiscreet stream of consciousness.

“I even took her to dominatrix joints and she loved them all. The darker the better.”

Brad, you may have just gotten yourself the new millenium Natasha Rambova. Get ready for that platinum slave bracelet!

Jenny concludes her Sapphic paean by waxing rhapsodic about Angelina’s luscious lips.

“She is beautiful. Her mouth is amazing. It’s like two water beds, it’s like this big kind of warm, mushy, beautiful thing. Angelina is an unbelievable lesbian lover. She loves women too much. It’s like a drug and she was hooked. I can’t imagine her just being married and being happy.”

Brad may be on a short leash, but this woman needs a muzzle!!

Meanwhile, back to the lavender fraught saga of Rudolph Valentino. Because Natasha became involved in every facet of Valentino’s professional and personal life, the press accused her of wearing the pants in the family. They sneered at the slave bracelet she gave him. In 1926, the Chicago Tribune attacked him as a pink powder puff and blamed him for the feminization of the American male.

Eventually, the studio gave Valentino a huge contract with the stipulation that Natasha be banned from all movie sets. Rudy tried to save the marriage by financing her cryptic lesbian fantasy film. When it failed, so did the marriage. Once off the gravy train, Natasha wanted out of the connubial bed. The screen god tried to save face by claiming he really wanted a housewife, not a business partner, but the public suspected otherwise.

Today’s screen god waxes rhapsodic about his new role as a parent: “It’s a true joy and a very profound love,” Brad swoons. “You can write a book, you can make a movie, you can paint a painting, but having kids is the most extraordinary thing I’ve ever done.”

His unhappy fans have a few poignant thoughts on the new Brad Pitt.

“…I still feel he was hog tied and rushed into all of this…after some incredible shags, he was submitted to some stern lecturing by la Jolie…a year ago he was smoking bongs and grooving, now he is trying to ‘mature’ like a piece of old cheese.”

“Brad Pitt was easy. If Angelina Jolie can get Mathew McConaughey to marry her, get her pregnant, then change diapers and bring the kids to day care at the studio, I am ready to submit to her supernatural powers.”

It seems the calendar has moved ahead by almost a century, but the public’s opinion of a liberated man has not.

Oscar winner Angelina voted by the readers of US magazine as, “the actress most straight women would like to have sex with” responded by saying, “That’s okay, because I’m the actress most likely to have sex with them.”

In a supreme irony, it was recently revealed that Angelina and Madonna shared a lover…Jenny Shimizu! How’s that for the sixth degree of separation in the Hollywood maelstrom?

Perhaps Brad Pitt is learning through the 21st century forum of public opinion the painful lesson Rudolph Valentino talked about in the early days of the last century:

“Women are not in love with me but with the picture of me on the screen. I am merely the canvas on which women paint their dreams.”

It would seem the same thing applies to Angelina in these terminally hip times.

©2006, Sistarrs International