Sunday, October 01, 2006


Jessica & Ashlee And Gypsy Rose Lee: Sizzling Sisters & Their Stage Parents From Hell
There are two sister acts in show biz whose parents pushed them out on the circuit very early and who struggled well into adulthood to free themselves from filial suffocation. Their manager parents pimped them out to fame and fortune by sexualizing them and pocketing the money.

Jessica and Ashlee Simpson made the rounds in the 1990’s on the Christian Youth Conference circuit, strong armed by their dad, Pastor Joe.

Daddy dearest made Jessica pledge her virginity to her future husband during a ceremony at the tender age of 12. A few years later, he showed an unhealthy interest in his daughter’s breasts, as well as her sex life: “She’s got double D’s. You can’t cover those suckers up!” Thank God, Jesus loves you, Pastor Joe. We don’t!!

Jessica was discovered singing to the heavenly choir at a church camp. She signed with a Christian label and toured with gospel superstars CeCe Winans and Kirk Franklin before Tommy Mottola of Columbia Records signed her. In 1999, her first pop album, Sweet Kisses, sold 2 million copies.

Ashlee is the twinkle toes in the Simpson clan. She studied classical ballet at age 3 and went to New York City at 11 to continue her terpsichorean studies. She developed an eating disorder at this time and dropped to 70 lbs. on her 5’ 2” frame. Ashlee recovered in L.A. with her family and became a back-up dancer for Jessica after her sister’s first album hit.

Gypsy Rose Lee and her sister June Havoc had a loud mouth, dangerous mother named Mother Rose Hovick. She threw the girls out on the 1920’s vaudeville circuit when they were barely out of diapers to fulfill her unrealized show business aspirations and to pay the bills.

The singing and dancing star of the show, Baby June, ran off at 16 to marry a boy in the act, decimating the family’s finances. Mother Rose had him arrested. She showed up at the police station packing heat. In a murderous rage, she pulled the trigger, but luckily for the lad the safety feature was on. It’s safe to say the newlyweds honeymooned in Outer Mongolia.

Mommy dearest then forced the less talented Louise to become a stripper. Practically a child, the frightened girl’s immoral, borderline mother threw her out center stage to strip for faceless ogling men. The Jewish Mama Rose’s new meal ticket dutifully christened herself Gypsy Rose Lee and became the toast of Minsky’s Burlesque. Known as a “high class” stripper because she read intellectual books and wore opera length gloves when she stripped ever so slowly,
Gypsy became the toast of the Manhattan glitterati and wrote the bestselling mystery thriller, The G-String Murders.

Mama Rose was involved in a murder mystery herself. The two sisters, successful entertainers as adults, continued getting demands for money from their intimidating, lying, cheating mother.

Mama opened a lesbian boardinghouse and being as good a hostess as she was a mother, Mama Rose shot and killed one of her guests. According to Gypsy’s son, Erik Preminger, Mama killed her own lover after she made a pass at Gypsy. The “incident” was explained away as a suicide and the cops bought it!

Coming from a dysfunctional family, Gypsy aligned herself with her feared mother and never forgave her sister June for leading an independent life.
Gypsy and June were united, however, by their common belief that Mama Rose was a monstrous bitch who put her self-interests ahead of her children’s well-being.

Both felt free to write about Mama Rose only when she was dead and buried six feet under. Until then they feared lawsuits or an ambush. Gypsy wrote her memoir in 1957, which got made into the smash Broadway show and movie, Gypsy.

Gypsy Rose Lee died of cancer 12 years later with her mother’s last words echoing in her brain: “Wherever you go…I’ll be right there. When you get your own private kick in the ass, just remember: it’s a present from me to you.”
Ah, a mother’s love is mystical indeed.

And Pastor Joe’s debilitating, omnipresent interference as both manager and dad protecting his meal tickets…just how healthy is that? Being sexualized by dear old dad bragging about the size of your mammaries and how hot they look in a T-shirt is more than a tad weird. Being pathologically obsessed with your daughters’ sex lives and sex appeal to the masses doesn’t score too many points for Father of the Year.

Picture this folks, Pastor Joe produced Jessica’s reality TV show, Newlyweds, and followed his little girl and her future ex-husband, Nick Lachey, everywhere with a video camera, capturing every intimate detail of her life, right up to lovemaking in their bedroom. We know that art and commerce dissect in many x-rated worlds, but biblical pastoring, too?!

But a miracle seems to be at hand…

Jessica who couldn’t balance a checkbook at age 24 and never saw a supermarket scanner, now seems to asserting her independence from her randy pastor dad, with little sister Ashlee tagging close behind.

After turning his church choir daughters into worldwide sexual commodities, and
after praising the sexiness of Jessica’s body and boasting at an MTV production meeting that he helped fit her for her first bra, and after managing his daughters’ public and private lives with an iron fist, word comes down that the 48-year old former youth pastor can’t get his kids to give him the time of day. Insiders say that his controlling. obnoxious behavior has finally turned his girls against him.

“Back in the day, if Joe wanted Jess anywhere he’d just order her to come, but that clearly isn’t the case now,” reports an insider.

The sisters are taking the reins back from the man who helped make them rich.
Giddyap, girls…and don’t look back.

Jessica recently told her father, “Dad, I’m capable of making my own choices. If I need your opinion, I have all your numbers!”

And we have Pastor Joe’s number, too. Back off, buster…


TarA p. said...

How do you find these comparisons!!
I live for your blogs & all the dirt uou dig up on these people. Totally entertaining. Thanks!!
I still hate Pastor Joe, but now will add Gypsy's mom to the short list.

Margaret said...!are you kidding me? Did pastor Joe really say those things about his own daughter?...Oh my Gah!!

Vanessa said...

Love your stuff (pods, too!!)Mama Rose's lesbo boardinghouse, the Garden of Allah, Main Line girls doin' it and a perv pastor father of America's sweethearts. You sure got the down & dirty on EVERYONE and I can't stop reading you guys and I'm a pod your accents!!

Lana said...

I've listened to & read all your stuff. It's so neat!! You ladies do such a great job...I wanted to tell you are very talented and I am glad to know you both...thanks for being a part of my life & making me feel I am someone special as well...

Hannah said...

Jeez, Pastor Joe is such a sleazebucket but that MTV meeting on the pod is hilarious.
The blog part w/Mama Rose "she was as good a hostess as a mother, she shot her boarder dead" is too much!! guys are so funny, when it comes to irreverent humor, you take the cake!!! Pleeeeeeaaaasssseee, keep it up!!

America said...

Fame from an early age ain't all it's cracked up to be...Lindsay Lohan & Jessica & about a cross to bear!! We're rootin' for you, girls and thanks again sistahs for one mighty fine piece of work...

Blissful said...

Oh lordy! These girls had some crappy parents. And murderous at that! Thanks for the info girls! And I will keep my eyes out for the Pastor Joe's of the world! ; )

Blissful said...

These girls really had to put up with some crappy parents! ; ) Thanks for the blog girls! It totally "rocks"!

Mario S. said...

Starr Sisters, your site is BRILLIANT! For those who don't like to read, the photo artwork draws them in...once there you just gotta read the down & dirty.
I can't say it enough, Starr Secrets is a breath of fresh air in the stale recycled gossip world.

Mario S. said...

Your site is brilliant, Starr Sisters!! For those who don't read, the artwork draws them in and then they can't resist reading the Down & Dirty Truths. I love your comparisons of today's & old celebrities. Keep creepy Pastor Joe and the rest comin'!!!

Angel said...

Woo Hoo!!! YIPPEE!!! GOODIE!!! Can you tell I'm a little excited about this?(Tee Hee). My ears have been missing the fun!! My brain always looks forward to these fun facts! AND of course hearing YOUR voices!! You gals never fail to crack my ass up!!My ass already has a crack!!HHMMMMM...Well you get the idea!! Can't wait for the next!!! My mom loves them too!!!

Sandy B. said...

Somebody's gotta stop Pastor Joe from screwing up and paralyzing his daughters. Just because he's a dad, his kids are not his personal property. As for Mama Rose, are we sure she's dead?!! She sounds like a vampire from a horror movie!!
Kudos, Starr girls. Great blog!!

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