Tuesday, June 27, 2006

PAM ANDERSON & ANNA NICOLE SHOP COSTCO...
MARY LINCOLN WENT BROKE BUYING RETAIL


Who says blondes are dumb? Two Hollywood sexpots are regular bargain hunters at a COSTCO in suburban L.A. As PAM ANDERSON and ANNA NICOLE SMITH jiggle up and down the aisles of the cavernous discount warehouse amassing food supplies in bulk, the staff votes on its favorite silicone siren.

The former Texas stripper with the huge mammaries and a dead, shriveled 89 year old billionaire husband is seen as a self-absorbed and petulant shopper. Anna Nicole is celebrating two recent major victories that could well mean she’ll soon be an ex-Costco shopper.

The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that she can once more go after her late husband’s billions, again locking horns with his oil tycoon son, Pierce Marshall, for a heifer’s share of the estate. Marshall released a statement: “I will continue to fight in the courts. That is a promise she and her lawyers can take to the bank.”

Well, Pierce Marshall dropped dead over the weekend. And we feel a Texas size binge comin’ on in the aisles of Costco, as Anna Nicole celebrates this development. A $482 million dollar payday is at stake. Plus the Merry Widow’s eatin’ for two now.

The Costco staff’s been none too happy with Anna Nicole stumbling around the frozen food aisle or with her insistent, incoherent, imperious requests in the past. So they’re keeping their fingers crossed for the former exotic dancer to get her lucre.

Another famous self-absorbed, petulant and often incoherent shopper was Mary Todd Lincoln, wife of the Civil War President Abraham Lincoln. The only difference between Mary and Anna Nicole is that the First Lady never worked a pole and she ALWAYS shopped retail. Well, actually that’s just a cheap shot. There were a few other distinctions.

Mary Lincoln compulsively shopped for the latest European fashions and went into debt for her new clothes. She hid the bills from her husband. She suffered from bipolar disorder. During one manic period, the First Lady bought 400 pairs of gloves. When her 12-year old son Willie died in the White House, she went deeper into debt compulsively buying mourning clothes. The more her Confederate relatives sided with the South, the more the First Lady drew fire from Lincoln’s constituents. And this led to binge buying of even lower cut dresses (hello, Anna Nicole) and knock offs of French Empress Eugenie’s regal frocks.

Lincoln was really upset about Mary flaunting her d├ęcolletage in front of his cabinet and everyone else. He would’ve gone nuts had he known about the bills, but she squirreled the “past due” notices far away. A Costco card would’ve replaced her lines of credit.

The very modern PAM ANDERSON is the darling of the suburban Costco employees and shoppers seeking super sized fare. Unlike Anna Nicole and Mary Lincoln, a man’s money is rendered inconsequential in Pam’s buying sweepstakes, be it wholesale or retail. Her millions keep racking up (pun intended) by her own hard work and her limitless ingenuity in working the dumb blonde sexpot angle.

She regularly shleps her two rambunctious boys and her huge mammaries through the endless miles of titillating bargains. People at Costco marvel at her maternal devotion, her humility and sociability. She has a smile and a kind word for everyone. All the while, she entices every man on the planet to lust after her, and every woman to secretly wish for her animal magnetism.

This cannot be as easy as Pam Anderson makes it look.

Once we caught her off guard at seven in the morning at a Malibu breakfast place with her two kids & mother. Pam wore no makeup, baggy gray sweats and her hair pulled up with a rubber band. She looked luminous. We kidded her that she was sitting at our favorite table. She immediately offered to move. We chatted about hot flashes and the temperature in the room. Just regular folk.

As Mark Twain once observed: “Choice, not chance, determines destiny. Some great people make other people feel small. But REALLY GREAT people make everyone feel great.”

Who knew that Pamela Anderson AND Muhammed Ali are The Greatest?!

And we hear that The Champ also shops Costco…

(c)2006, Sistarrs International

6 comments:

_trevr said...

You girls never fail to surprise! I had no idea Pam and Anna went the SAME COSTCO I DO! And poor Abe... based on this blog and his wife's propensity for shopping (shoes, probably), I have a feeling we'd enjoy a beer together ;-)

- = |D|R/A V/E|N| = - said...

Oh the (in)vanity!!!

Alex said...

On behalf of all the guys in South Beach, could you tell us EXACTLY where this Costco is located?!! We feel a beer run comin' on...You sisters are too much!

Andy said...

Hey I really liked this blog. Thanks for Mark Twain qoute at the end, it's so true!

~Wyzowl~ said...

Being 'blonde' is a state of mind (or lack thereof ). Blonde tresses don't have me fooled for a second...they're just the icing on the cake...and the cake is often rich, dark and full of surprises!

I met Farrah Fawcett a few years ago in a Lowe's DIY store...ironically she was standing quite close to the fawcetts with her back to me. I heard her unmistakeable voice as she asked the store clerk where the doormats were located.

I followed her to the quiet corner of the store (being the starstruck stalker that I am) and talked to her for a few minutes. She was wearing zero makeup, navyblue t-shirt and pants....but her smile lit up her face and she was delightful to meet. Farrah bought one little doormat and proceeded to pay with a few dollars from her purse (but not before I shamelessly asked for an autograph).

I then proceeded to checkout the mountain of items in my shopping cart, as I reached for my well-worn credit card and swept back my long dark hair. One example of thrifty blonde versus brunette with a visa!Being 'blonde' is a state of mind (or lack thereof ). Blonde tresses don't have me fooled for a second...they're just the icing on the cake...and the cake is often rich, dark and full of surprises!

I met Farrah Fawcett a few years ago in a Lowe's DIY store...ironically she was standing quite close to the fawcetts with her back to me. I heard her unmistakeable voice as she asked the store clerk where the doormats were located.

I followed her to the quiet corner of the store (being the starstruck stalker that I am) and talked to her for a few minutes. She was wearing zero makeup, navyblue t-shirt and pants....but her smile lit up her face and she was delightful to meet. Farrah bought one little doormat and proceeded to pay with a few dollars from her purse (but not before I shamelessly asked for an autograph).

I then proceeded to checkout the mountain of items in my shopping cart, as I reached for my well-worn credit card and swept back my long dark hair. One example of thrifty blonde versus brunette with a visa!

Ohhh Drew! said...

Weeeellllllllllllllllll! Wasn't that just a robust piece of commentary. I haven't enjoyed anything that "ample" in a long time! You didn't actually tell Chesty Lazaar that she was at your favorite table, did you?! And menopause?! I love it. Excellent banter. Good fucking stuff! You ladies sure know how to hit a tail wagger right in 'er ginormous buggy bumpers!