LINDSAY, WOODY, AND ELVIS: STARS & THEIR JAILBIRD DADS

For those of you who are enamored with bad boys AND celebrities, you've just won the trifecta!

Guess which celebrity's bad boy dad we're talkin' about?

A famous star's dad is a hitman for organized crime. Twice convicted of murder for hire, he was behind bars for most of the celebrity's childhood. Many law enforcement officials believe he was involved in the assassination of President John F. Kennedy. Daddy is currently serving two life sentences for the murder of a federal judge.

A Hollywood icon's socialite drunken, drug-addicted dad served four years in a federal prison for bilking investors out of millions of dollars. He routinely threatens to kill his entire family, including the star. In his down time, he punches out strangers, drives drunk and brags to fellow inmates in the slammer that his kid's a movie star. He's currently serving up to four years in the pen for assault, drunk driving and revocation of parole.

A singing legend's hillbilly dad was sentenced to three years in the state penitentiary for forgery, causing his wife and boy to become homeless. They borrowed bus fare to visit him in prison. This caused grave, life-long psychological problems for the boy when his mom made him the "man of the house" during his father's incarceration. That job description included sleeping in the same bed with mom, on his father's side. His daddy's criminal history and inability to hold a job once out of prison made the boy a target for bullies in school.

WOODY HARRELSON had a deeply religious mom and a convicted murderer dad. Charles Harrelson. Woody's often said that his father's past transformed his present.

The former "Cheers" star and Oscar nominee for best actor in "The People vs. Larry Flynt" is a tireless crusader for freedom from what he views as the government's tyranny over the "little guy". Woody's an outspoken proponent for legalization of marijuana and hemp AND an activist in the antiwar movement. Along with Pam Anderson, he's an ethical vegan who denounces animal experiments in the cosmetics industry and in medical labs.

Woody Harrelson is absolutely convinced of his father's innocence and has spent millions trying to get his father's murder conviction overturned. While wildly successful in Hollywood, Woody has repeatedly failed in the appeals courts. His father remains in a Texas maximum security prison.

LINDSAY LOHAN's career in show biz began at age three when she appeared in TV commercials (Toys 'R' Us). At seven she modeled for Calvin Klein and appeared in magazine ads. She cut her acting teeth at ten on a soap opera. By eleven she starred in Disney's remake of the 1961 classic, "The Parent Trap".

Unfortunately, her felon dad, Michael Lohan, missed most of these auspicious years as he was busy serving time in the federal pen for commodities fraud. It seems the heir to a pasta business bilked thousands of investors out of millions of dollars in a "pump and dump" scam.

Lindsay became a superstar in 2004 as the lead in "Mean Girls" and simultaneously a media target. The harsh spotlight focused on the teen star's prodigious nightlife: her battles with drugs, alcohol, fatigue, bulimia, and her parents' titanic battles in the marital and legal arenas.

Lindsay's recent asthma attacks, drug and booze episodes, dehydration and exhaustion, and all-night heavy partying, followed in the wake of daddy dearest's latest run-ins with the law. Who wouldn't be stressed out with a big-time Hollywood career, scathing threats from your current producer for bratty behavior AND an alcoholic, drug addict, rageaholic cad of a dad who's a loose cannon?!

The jailbird had the chutzpah to demand in a court proceeding, while handcuffed and in custody for other criminal offenses, drug and alcohol testing for Lindsay and her mother and $3 million from Lindsay's earnings. Luckily, the judge ruled against him.

But career criminal Michael Lohan is the gift that keeps on giving.

In the last year and a half he was arrested for skipping out on a hotel bill, hitting his brother-in-law on the head with a shoe and splitting open his head. It took fifteen stitches to close it. (This maternal uncle was later convicted of stealing over half a million dollars from the 9/11 Victims Fund. Oy vey, criminals in both sides of Lindsay's Family Tree. Uh-oh, not good for her future progeny.)

Malcontent Michael also punched out a sanitation worker for blocking his parking spot, and a few weeks later was charged with drunk driving when he caused a fiery wreck by ramming his car into a utility pole.

He recently got sentenced to up to four years in prison for his potpourri crime spree.

Lindsay's grandma echoed the sentiments of the entire family when she told the New York Daily News: "We're all much happier when he's in jail and not around. He is obsessive possessive to the point where he doesn't want anyone else being friendly with his wife and children."

Lindsay might have reason for yet another alibi to add to her growing resume of reasons why she has disrupted the shooting schedule of her latest movie, "Georgia Rule". Studio security just sounded an alarm. It has been confirmed that Lindsay Lohan has a stalker.

ELVIS PRESLEY's dad, Vernon, in reality, went to the penitentiary for the crime of being poor. He was convicted of forgery for altering a paycheck from $3 to $8, and then cashing it at the local bank. Community service, not prison, would be his sentence today as a first time offender. In 1938 Mississippi, land of the chain gang and murders of inmates by prison guards, Vernon got three years in prison.

Vernon's employer held the loan on the Presleys' two-room house and called the note in as soon as Elvis' dad got sent up the river. Remember Simon Lagree operated in Mississippi? Elvis' mother couldn't pay off the loan on her ten buck a week wages at the Tupelo Garment Company. Elvis and his mother were homeless.

He and his mom moved in with her parents, and at age three, Elvis became "the man of the house". Thus began Elvis' odd relationships with women. Mom and little Elvis traveled to visit his daddy in prison and returned exhausted. He took his father's place in bed with his mother for mutual comfort. They cuddled and talked together in their very own language. This lasted for eight months until Elvis' dad came home. And some say beyond. It was during his father's imprisonment that Elvis developed insomnia and started to sleepwalk. These sleep disorders would plague him throughout his life.

Until the day he died, Elvis cherished his mother way beyond the depth of a devoted son. His mother incestuously smothered and spoiled him 'til the end of her days. Elvis would enjoy sex with a woman until she became a mother. After that he just couldn't touch her. Now Dr. Freud would have a field day with that one.

Yes, having jailbird dads profoundly impacted the lives of Lindsay, Woody & Elvis. It seems the penal system produces more prisoners than just the convicted.

(c) 2006, Sistarrs International