MADONNA: THE WORLD'S GREATEST FEMALE IMPERSONATOR

In the Eighties, Madonna donned diamonds and a pink taffeta gown and became the bumping, breathless sex siren MARILYN MONROE, playing the quintessential man-eating golddigger in the 1953 movie, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes."

In the Nineties, she dressed in drag in manly tails and a top hat, flirted and planted kisses on girl singers and chorines, and became the gender-bending MARLENE DIETRICH in the 1930 German flick, "The Blue Angel".

But the charismatic chameleons latest act, copping a feel from ANGELINA JOLIE's heartfelt philanthropy to Third World tots, is a brand new twist in her repertoire.

MARILYN MONROE proved an inspired first choice for Madonna to emulate in her unrelenting march to immortality on the trails blazed by iconic women.

Madonna's video of her first hit, "Material Girl", is an identical re-enactment of Marilyn's musical number "Diamonds Are a Girls Best Friend" from the 1953 movie, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes", right down to the hot pink gown and even hotter choreography with slavish men vying for the sexpots attention. This slyly salacious video put Madonna on the map and led to a meeting with her Hollywood prince, Sean Penn, and a subsequent regal wedding.

Both Marilyn and Madonna had much in common: the will to do whatever it takes to achieve superstardom. Nude photoshoots. Sleeping with hordes of men who could help get them there. And sharing the same one true love: posing for the camera unto eternity. They both had a recurring fantasy of being naked in a church and delighting in the shocked congregation silently admiring their concupiscent wonders.

For over a decade, Madonna's been shocking the congregation with her titillating, quasi-religious send up of "Like A Prayer", doggie style. Recently, she attempted to put the Pope in the Pissed Off Group of Congregants by inviting him to her "Confessions" concert in Rome to witness her "crucifixion" on a disco-mirrored cross, while wearing a tiara of thorns over her blonde tresses. Mercifully, he declined.

MARLENE DIETRICH and her bisexual shtick in the 1930 German film, "The Blue Angel", playing nightclub singer Lola-Lola, a jaded, slutty cross-dresser who tips her top hat to a pretty lady sitting ringside, pulls a long stemmed rose from her tuxedo and plants a long, wet one on the lady's kisser, AND Fraulein Dietrich's real life AC/DC lifestyle, inspired Madonna to even greater sybaritic, shocking heights.

In her 1993 stage spectacle "The Girlie Show", Madonna dressed as a whipcracking dominatrix from the Weimar Republic, surrounded by topless dancers. Later in the show, taking yet another raunchy page from Dietrich's act, Madonna appears in mens clothing outrageously flirting with the dancing girls, pumping, grinding and kissing them while singing "Like a Virgin".

About this time in her life, Madonna horned in on Dietrich's bisexual personal life and began rumored affairs with comedienne Sandra Bernhard and lesbian nightclub queen Ingrid Casares.

Madonna has crafted her femme fatale persona as carefully as Dietrich, who provided her the blueprint. Madonna's also channeled Marlene's Prussian iron will. Nothing can stop these ubermensches in their quest for world domination.

Dietrich fell off the stage at age 70, her wig stapled to her head, her facial skin pulled back with tape, her swollen legs bloodied and bandaged and stuffed into her high heels. She broke her leg. The next night she turns up on stage, smiling, singing, camping it up in a tight sequined gown despite excruciating pain and her leg encased in a cast. Hows that for Teutonic toughness?!

A middle-aged Madonna fell off her horse at her country estate and nearly broke half the bones in her body. Witnesses report that she cried out in pain in a perfect British accent. Now thats steely resolve. Less than a year later, the sinewy filly dances her ass off in her latest stage show "Confessions". Writhing down a dance pole in a tight black leather outfit while belting out "Like a Virgin", shes got a skeptical world eating outta her leather gloved hand, while holding an S&M apparatus attached to a human "horse" with the other. She mounts the muzzled, muscular male dancer. Then she reminds us just how indestructible she is. She flashes MRI images and x-rays of her broken bones on the huge screen behind her.

Oy vey, she's out-Dietriched Marlene!!

In what we can only hope is a final homage to her androgynous show biz benefactor, Madonna chose the 2003 MTV awards for her piece de resistance in her "shocking" gender-bending oeuvre. Madonna dressed herself up in a black tux as a groom while former Mouseketeers turned Lolitas, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera, were outfitted in faux bridal gowns. After the three did a titillating gyration in sync, Madonna slipped the tongue to Aguilera and then planted a Sapphic smooch on Britney. Their lesbian romp earned thunderous applause from the aroused crowd. And the congregation sat in shocked disbelief

And now Madonna is mimicking yet another beautiful bisexual, ANGELINA JOLIE.

Oscar winner Jolie donates a third of her mega-million dollar income to philanthropic causes, including the UN agency (UNHCR) that assists 20 million refugees in 120 countries. She candidly gave CNN's Anderson Cooper the compelling reason for her largesse: "Yes, well, I have a stupid income for what I do for a living." And who can argue with that?

It looks like the Hollywood pendulum is swinging the other way. Conspicuous consumption is now morphing into conspicuous philanthropy.

After Jolie's two-hour CNN interview, Madonna announced her plans to raise at least $3 million to care for orphans in the AIDS-afflicted African country of Malawi. The former Material Girl will visit Africa this fall and credits her faith in reinvention, oops sorry, her faith in Kabbalah with shifting her priorities.

Now if those rumors we hear about Angelina splitting up with Brad are true, you better watch your ass, hubby Guy Ritchie.

(c) 2006 Sistarrs International

PARIS HILTON AND THAT CHURCHILL TRAMP

There once existed in this three-ring circus called life, a calculating, over-sexed socialite who stopped at nothing to get power and glory. She worked day and night to perfect her extensive repertoire of sexual acrobatics. She conquered every married man of immense wealth and power on the planet. She even married three of them. She elevated the term courtesan to a new level. Indeed she was the most successful tramp who ever lived. Her name was Pamela Churchill.

By comparison, Paris Hilton comes off as a serious businesswoman, a brilliant entrepreneur whose sexual pyrotechnics on video tape are just a modern day stress reliever and publicity ploy for the woman on the go.

On the eve of World War II, an English baron's plain, humorless daughter, Pamela Digby, wed Winston Churchill's drunken bum son. It seems the climb up the social register to ever higher octaves can be mighty dirty work. Even for well-heeled socialites.

Junior on a good day looked like a gargoyle with warts. Even Fort Knox couldn't pay off his huge gambling debts. His lechery and vulgarity made Casanova look like a celibate monk. And he was a pompous twit who went on a quiz show and gave the wrong answer to the first question worth $64. But, hey, he was a CHURCHILL.

But luckily, Paris never had to sell her body and soul to get a famous name and station in life. She was born into the Hilton Hotel empire that gave shelter to one and all around the globe. Those cookie cutter hotel rooms gave her family palatial digs everywhere. But Paris, like Pamela, was a high society high school drop out determined to straddle the next comet to universal super stardom.

Now what's a girl in today's world supposed to do when her parents' generation invented casual sex, recreational drugs and Elvis' thrusting brand of rock 'n roll? The bar just doesn't get any higher for a child's full scale rebellion against her parents.

So what's a celebutante to do? Why the nasty with the sleazy ex-husband of your wacko actress friend, of course. All the while insouciantly unfurling that sly as a fox smile for his camcorder's red light. Flash your amorous dexterity, Paris, in this private session destined to propel your lackluster TV reality show to the cosmos when this x-rated tape debuts on the world wide web, billed as "One Night In Paris."

Pamela Churchill did not have this distinct advantage of technology in her rise from her knees to the top of the world. She had to do it the old fashioned way: stealing other women's husbands, shtupping and kissing only solid gold asses, and isolating these old fools from their kids so she could get their millions. And that took considerable skill, iron discipline and a cultivated charm beyond human endurance.

And let's not forget the miracles of the plastic surgeon's art, Lady Clairol blonde, and the killer wardrobes provided by the purveyors of international haute couture. However, a fun girl she never became. You just can't create even the illusion of a sense of humor, it seems. But when ambition and shame know no bounds, and you embark on relentless campaigns to make a man feel that you breathe and exist for his every whim, his every utterance, his every fantasy, you can truly become MISTRESS OF THE UNIVERSE.

Husband No. 2, Leland Hayward, the famed producer of "Sound of Music" and dozens of other show biz hits, gave her the ultimate conjugal compliment: "She is the greatest courtesan of the 20th century." Her hundreds of rich & powerful lovers from Baron Rothschild to William Paley (CBS) to Frank Sinatra to Stavros Niarchos & Prince Aly Khan applauded.

And apparently so did President Clinton. Through husband No. 3, political dealmaker and tycoon Averell Harriman, Pamela Churchill funded Bill Clinton's Presidential campaign and fueled his fantasies. They were sybaritic spirits and then some.

The new Commander-in-Chief rewarded the aging British courtesan with the most coveted and respected diplomatic post in the world: American Ambassador to France. She died in the City of Love at 76, while doing a backstroke in the pool at the Ritz Hotel. Keeping limber, no doubt, for her next diplomatic affair.

Now for Paris, lovers are playthings and publicity stunts. They are beneath her in all ways. They are but stepping stones in creating the brand that is PARIS HILTON. Because of her well-calculated sexploits, Paris pulled in a cool $15 million last year, including dough from her jewelry and fragrance lines. That's more than 10 times the $1.25 million generated by Marilyn Monroe's estate through the licensing of her name and image.

This party girl socialite is now a global business brand. Her name is on nightclubs, clothing and handbag lines, energy drinks, movie credits, best-selling books, record albums and a syndicated TV reality show. She commands up to $200,000 for a 20-minute party appearance and receives a half a million dollars plus for her commercials. She hawks everything from T-Mobile cell phones to Carl's Jr. hamburgers with a casual panache.

Paris Hilton is a great business woman. Even the paparazzi know that! Pamela Churchill was a great tramp. Oops, courtesan. And we can prove it.

Paris recently confessed that she is "not sexual" despite the famous sex tape and her lascivious, sexy image that is projected daily in 3-D and Technicolor across the world's landscape. "It's just my image. All my boyfriends ask what's the matter with me. They say I'm not sexual at all."

Paris Hilton frigid?

Now that's HOT!!

(c) 2006, Sistarrs International